A word to the thick soul sisters...

Hi Clothing Industry!  At roughly 10 weeks pregnant (before I started to show), I entered one of your fine establishments to purchase a pair of desperately needed black dress pants.  I remember dragging about 10 pairs into a dressing room and trying on each of them.  For probably the first time in my life, they all fit, they all looked great, and none of them were ridiculously overpriced.  I came out of the dressing room holding two pairs, telling my husband I couldn't decide so I was just going to get them both.  He said, "Why don't you just choose one?  They aren't going to fit for very much longer."  He was right.  Why waste money on a pair of pants I'd only be wearing for a few more weeks?  Reluctantly, I put back the more expensive (though more flattering) pair and thought to myself, "Don't worry.  They'll be here when you (and your body) get back."

So, here I am, Clothing Industry!  I'm 32 weeks postpartum and, though my figure isn't what it used to be (nor will it ever be, I'm beginning to think), I'm ready to buy those black dress pants.  They may have to be a size bigger and I may end up pairing them with a different shirt in order to better hide my midsection, but they're perfect and I'm ready for them now.

What's that you say?  You don't have those pants anymore?  You only carry "skinny" pants now?  But, um, Clothing Industry, those kind of pants didn't look good on me before I acquired my post-pregnancy padding, and they certainly won't look good on me now.  And, I know we've talked about this before, but just as a reminder can you please not even say the word "skinny" in front of me?  (Unless you're pointing to a thin woman and following the word "skinny" with the word "bitch.")  So, if you could just give me the pants I asked for, I'll take them and be on my way.

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Clothing Industry, I asked you to hold those nicely tailored, non-skinny pants for me until I got back.  And though I know it took over a year for me to return, I did so, faithfully. So, I would really appreciate it if you would just hold up your end of the bargain and give me the pants I asked for.  And, could you please stop thrusting these "jeggings" in my face?  What is a "jegging," anyway?  Should I have my son vaccinated against it?  Besides,  I have cankles and we both know it, so stop teasing me with this tapered look.  It just...doesn't work for me.

Listen, Clothing Industry, I am willing to pay double what I paid before I was pregnant for a nice pair of pants for work.  All I ask is that they do not hug me in all of my unflattering places and that they do not seem to exist solely for the purpose of making it look like I have cellulite.  Which I don't.  Kind of.

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Wow. So, you really have nothing to offer me, huh?  Are you suggesting I should keep wearing the same pants I wore to work from before I was pregnant?  Very funny, Clothing Industry.  All the wiggling and holding my breath and tucking in in the world is not going to make that happen.  And, you know that I already shipped those off to your cousin Goodwill and I am not going back there to get them.  So, we're going to need to work something out here because I don't make a habit of showing up to work wearing my husband's basketball shorts and that's almost all I have left.

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I DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND THE SEVERITY OF THE SITUATION.  ALL OF MY CLOTHING LOOKS BAD ON ME.  I LEFT A BUNCH OF REALLY GREAT PANTS HERE BEFORE I WAS PREGNANT AND ALL OF THEM WERE PERFECT AND NONE OF THEM WERE "SKINNY" AND I JUST NEED YOU TO PUT THOSE PANTS BACK WHERE I LEFT THEM AND GIVE THEM TO ME NOW AND I WILL PAY YOU FOR THEM AND WE WILL BE FINE, BUT I NEED YOU TO DO THIS NOW BECAUSE I AM ABOUT. TO. LOSE. IT.

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FINE.  PAJAMA JEANS IT IS, THEN.




Skinny bitch.