I don't wanna become someone who can't live up to what I already done...

As many of you noticed, the last year has not exactly been a wealth of valuable blogging from NMOTB.  In fact, my blog was so silent, I did have people ask me if I had totally decided to give it up. I would usually say that I was in the midst of working on something (and sometimes I was), but for the most part, I actually was doing nothing for myself as a writer.

I wish I could say my time away from the blog was spent constantly generating new content.

In a way, I suppose it is what that time is spent doing.  I spent my time away from my blog just being a mom and literally developing new stories to tell you, new life lessons to share, and engaging in my general jackassery on social media in the meantime.

I often walk a fine line between being New Mom on the Blog - the writer and New Mom on the Blog - the MOM.  I see and admire so many women who are able to stare at a blank screen and fill it with words and content that actually generates feedback, income, notoriety.

I stare at a blank screen and freeze.

I realize that with every tweet, every post, every picture shared on Instagram, I am developing a persona who people may LOVE, or - who people may judge harshly.  I open myself up to that pain and judgment that is always lurking just below the surface.

I have a pretty incredible fan base just in friends and fellow mommies.  Those people lift me up.  Give me ideas for blogs.  Ask me questions.  Are proud to have their stories featured.  They understand that I am trying to build a brand, a business, and they are my most loyal patrons.  They understand that I absolutely adore being a mother, even if I don't spend my entire day at home with my kid.  Even if sometimes I write about the not-so-shiny moments of parenthood.  They get it. They've been there.  They want to hear more.

Then I have a (mostly) (thankfully) quiet brigade of critics.  Those that don't agree with my wishy washy opinions on how to raise your child.  Those that don't like that I'm a working mother.  Those that don't understand why I'm not still breast feeding my 3 year old.  Those that don't think of me as much of a blogger at all, much less a writer.  Those that don't realize that I obsessively check my social media stats so often that I know the minute, if not the second that they have clicked "Unfollow" and that the dejected feeling of that action will follow me around for the entire day. If you asked those critics about my brand, about my business, they'd sniff their nose at the mere idea of it.  And of course, those are the ones I let in.  The ones that I allow to rid me of every creative idea I have.

This fills me with an anxiety that makes it literally impossible to put a sentence together.  It makes me so frightened to share what I have to share here.  It makes me doubt whether or not I deserve to attend any blogger function, to take sponsorship opportunities, to string together a sentence for the world to see at all.

So, sometimes when I go away - it is to find my voice.  Usually it just takes a few comments on my Better... post that will do it.  Or a great reader question. Or just some topic I just can't be quiet about. So, when I go away, that's when I need the support the most.

What I'm trying to say is - thank you, for doing just that. Sticking around with me even during times of silence.  For being one of the MANY people who "Liked" my Facebook page last week when I (shamelessly) mentioned I was a mere 19 followers away from 200. (I think my page got over 60 likes in just an hour.)  Sometimes that silly recognition is validating enough for me to shove this damn anxiety bug back down in its hole and start again fresh.

So, I guess thanks - thanks for always proving me wrong.

I've been everywhere, man...

Oh, hey.

Let's just avoid all awkwardness and the obvious fact that the last post on this blog wasn't even written by ME (as well as the fact that it was posted in May) and pretend like it never happened.

Great.

I mean, before I could even write this post, I deleted at least 100 spam comments that got through in my absence, so it's not like there wasn't new content being generated.  Plus, I have several interested sponsors to sell things like bidets and psychic readings.  (As well as some sort of flash light, but the website made me feel uncomfortable, so I'm not sure that one will work out.)

In other words, I've hit the big time in the world of blogging.

What have I been doing?  I'm glad you asked.  I'll make a list.  I'm good at lists.

1.  Running!  I finally took my own advice and started running.  And then I became one of those annoying people that posts about it on Facebook all of the time and obsessively looks at her MapMyRun routes.  Please feel free to follow me on Instagram so you can see more screen captures of my running stats than you would ever care to see.  So far, I've run in two organized events (5Ks) with hopes to do more as well as maybe run more than 3 miles at a time some day.  I'm not destined for marathons, but I absolutely love the way I feel before, after, and during a good run.  I finally know what everyone has been talking about.  (Shut up, Amanda.)

2.  I went from reading lots of books in a year to reading one in a 4 month period (and it was one of the Harry Potter books) so I joined a book club with girlfriends from work.  It has been fantastic and those girls can read way faster than me, so keeping up has cut into valuable blogging time.  (Not that I am complaining - every book has been fantastic.)

3.  We have a few free months of Showtime right now and I have chosen to watch as many seasons of Dexter as I can before it gets taken away.  If anyone has a problem with that, I now know how to murder all of you and pretty much get away with it, so I would shut it.

4.  Exploring our new city has been one of the most exciting parts of this summer.  Sure, we're doing a lot of touristy-type things (prior to living here, I'd been to Chicago three times and two of them were before I was even ten years old.)  I'm learning which pizza places are my favorite, which train lines I need to take to get where, and just breathing in every aspect that I can.  I love it here.  LOVE IT.  (St. Louis, you are still home and I love you too.  I can love lots of places.)  When I found out we were moving, I adopted this mantra - joy is where you are - and so all of this has been an exercise in making this new place our home.  Sometimes I feel like I'm cheating on my family and friends back in St. Louis, but mostly, I feel joy.  Who knew I'd love living right smack dab in the middle between a cornfield and a skyscraper.  Talk about balance.  So, joy is where I are.  Or am.  Whatever.

6.  Oh, yes.  I decided to battle this one just before The Incredible Hulk turned 3.  We have been mostly* successful.  (* - I still clean my fair share of poo out of little boy briefs.  We're working on it.  I am really proud of him.)  I can't wait to share with all of you my methodology as well as my general NMOTB comedy, but I just have to sit down and write it.  It's coming.  I promise.

7.  It isn't as though I am new to Pinterest (and I have over 3000 pins to prove that), but lately I've been very interested in cooking for my family and figuring out a way for us to lead a healthier lifestyle through the food we eat.  And doing all of it on a budget.  Everyone has different ideas of what the word "healthy" means, but for me it means eating mostly produce, whole grains, and a variety of foods that involve the least amount of processing as possible.  (Or, if I'm tired, a bowl of sugary cereal or a hot dog - because I like to keep it real.)  For awhile, I've been posting info about my monthly meal planning on my personal Facebook, and I've since been encouraged to share that here.  In truth, meal planning is something REALLY important to New Moms.  Being willing to throw that plan out the window and order a pizza is really important too.  So, I'll do my best.  I am going to try out a few new recipes a month (and I'll be sharing them on the blog), I recycle ones that work (you can find those on this board mostly), add in a few easy go-tos, as well as some tried and true family recipes (those will never be shared, but you're welcome to try to figure them out...)  Think I'm doing it wrong?  You're probably right.  But, my family never goes to bed hungry, so there's that...



Other than that, I've been singing, sewing, grocery shopping, cleaning...damn, it's a good thing I don't play Bridge, I sound like a housewife from the 50s.

But, mostly, what I've been doing is really and truly enjoying life.  Maybe it's the trips to the city.  Maybe it's the beautiful weather.  Maybe it's just the fact that life (while not totally free from struggle and stress and sadness) has been in a delightful state of stasis after a year which was far from it.  I think back to where I was one year ago and my eyes fill with tears of gratitude over that time of uncertainty being over.  (Not to say that you're ever fully free from uncertainty, but at least that period in particular is over.)  So, enjoying life it is.  Doing the ordinary mom-type things that develop content for this blog and also eat up all of my time to put it on paper (or, rather - screen.)

For that, I am grateful.  Now, if you'll excuse me - I have a list full of posts to write.