So damn unpretty...

I went summer clothes shopping yesterday.  For the first time since B.C. (before child).  I wish I could be witty and funny enough to dismiss it, much like I did with the Skinny Pants Fiasco from earlier this year.

But, honestly?  I'm crestfallen over it.

"9 months on, 9 months off" was the weight-loss mantra repeated to me from so many breast feeding mamas.  Moms who assured me that the weight would "melt off" if I decided to continue breast feeding.  And though, I promise this is not really the reason I did it, it sure became a nice thought to keep in mind at 1:00 am...and 2:00 am...and 3:00 am...

Well, let me tell you.  It's been 9 months.  Actually 41 weeks and 5 days, to be exact, and to say I've plateaued would be an understatement.  I literally have not gained or lost a single pound since my first few weeks postpartum.

It could be that breast feeding leaves me more hungry than I've ever been in my entire life.  I cannot remember the last time I felt "full."  It's even worse than when I was pregnant, only now - people won't encourage you with the whole "eating for two" excuse.  Instead, I just look like the fat chick scarfing down all of the fries and asking for seconds at dinner.

I try to make good choices. I really do.  I know how to eat healthy.  I lost nearly 35 pounds for my wedding with nothing more than a bit of discipline and a little cardio.  But, when I try to make those healthy choices AND feed my child, I end up feeling woozy.  Like I'm starving.  I never felt that way with a bit of discipline and a little cardio.

I only have a few months left of this bottomless pit feeling, but unfortunately, right SMACK dab in the middle of those few months comes a trip to a warmer climate.  While my go-to outfits of late have included baggy cardigans and flattering pants (and basically covering up any and all exposed skin), I have a feeling this won't work with a beach wedding.  So, I went to a few of my favorite (read: cheap) clothing stores to get some summery things and attempt the impossible in finding a flattering bathing suit.  Or, failing that, a large waterproof tarp that I could just kind drape over myself.


For the first time in my life, I ventured into the land of the tankini so that at least the unsightly proof of my baby weight gain (yes, stretch marks) is fully covered.  A whole lot of good that does.  Now, the stretch marks aren't visible, but in case you missed my every expanding mid-section - I have highlighted it for you in brightly colored, patterned SPANDEX.  Fun...

I try not to get too down on myself when it comes to weight.  It just is what it is.  All women people have things they wish they could change about themselves and this is my thing.

Well...it's one of my things.

But, for some reason, I'm really struggling with this.


I wish I was this brave.
photo credit: Cassie Fox



Can I be happy I have my baby AND hate to have my stretch marks?

Can I be confident in my decision to breast feed AND be excited to reclaim my body as mine?

Can I wear a tankini AND like it?

I don't know.

My 10-year high school reunion should be sometime next year.  I have a goal for myself to just be a bit happier with how I look by then.  That way, I won't have to shove cute pictures of the baby at old friends just so they won't immediately think, "Whoa. She really let herself go."  Actually, it'd be awesome if they said something like, "Wow.  Did you use a surrogate?"  I'll let you know how that goes.

For now, I'm researching cute swimsuit cover ups. 

I think this beach wedding calls for the "layered look."

And Spanx.