Somewhere only we know...

I walked across an empty land
I knew its pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete

How is it that you can wish and pray so hard for something for close to a year, and still not be ready to say goodbye?  I look around now and know that many of the things I am doing will be "the last time."

The last time I'll eat lunch with my co-workers at our favorite Mexican restaurant.
The last time I'll drive on a route so familiar I am almost certain I could do it with my eyes closed. (But, don't worry, I won't.)
The last time I'll run into old friends during a random Saturday shopping trip.
The last time I'll be able to wear a Cardinals' shirt without having to watch my back.

Leaving work was absolutely surreal.  I had a perpetual lump in my throat throughout the day.  A group of some of my favorite co-workers met downstairs during my final few minutes to walk me out of the building.  I walked ahead of them to the time clock as they slowly walked behind me.  I turned around to look at them once as we walked outside.
I didn't really need to do that.
I knew they were behind me all along.

I have been wondering when I would break down.  When the flood gates would open.  When the tears would never stop.  That moment was when our security gate closed behind me.  When I knew I could no longer get back in.  I don't think I will ever be able to imagine that moment without crying for as long as I live.


Recently, a friend gave me this quote and said it made her think of me.

Courage is the ability to let go of the familiar.

The gravity of what I'm doing has not really hit me until this week.  It's not only work that I'm leaving behind.  I'm leaving everything that I've known for the past 30 years.  It never really occurred to me that a life change of this magnitude would take a great deal of courage. And that's probably been a matter of not really accepting how BIG this is until just now.

I tried to talk as I fought back tears (not one of my strong points) in response to the quote and told her the reason why I've been able to keep going:

I am leaving behind a lot of what I love and everything that I know.

But, I'm finally getting a lot of things I love just as much.

A brand new city (one that I've always said I would love to live in.)

An even more incredible job than the one I just left (which I didn't even think was possible.)

A beautiful home that couldn't be more perfect if I dreamed it.

The ability to easily drive to see both sets of our respective families.

Living even closer to a whole slew of people we love very much and never get to see.

It is these things that have kept me going for the past 9 months (where at times, I really wasn't sure it was worth it.)  Call it courage, but really - it's just blind hope.

I've always said that in St. Louis, I feel as though I am True North.  You can plop be down in any part of the city and I can always find my way back home.  I'd like to think that, even in our new home, this will always remain true.  My husband gave me a card to commemorate our last day of our current situation.  In it, he thanked me for showing him what a great place St. Louis is to live.  But, how could it be any other way?

This was the city that saw me grow up.
The city that saw me graduate from high school and then college.
The one that saw me meet the man of my dreams and eventually marry him.
It's the city where my son was born.
It's where my heart and soul are.
It has some of the best (albeit, not the most healthy) food in the world.
And I'll throw down with anyone who wants to disagree with me that it has the best beer in the world too.

We went to our church for the last time this Sunday.  The priest that said Mass was the priest that married us (four years ago yesterday) and baptized TIH (two years ago next week.)  I've known him for over 15 years.  In his blessing, he reminded us that we will always have a home there.
I know he's right.

This place is a part of me.  It is who I am and who I will always be.

But, I'm still excited to see the version of myself that I become with the flair of a new city.
And that?  Takes no courage at all.

This could be the end of everything

So why don't we go

Somewhere only we know...

This indecision's bugging me...

When I started New Mom on the Blog, I did so because I figured (like me) there were other new moms who hit the blogging community for the answers to all of their burning questions.  In that vein, I also posted a link to my email address so that readers could send me questions about motherhood, life, babies, or useless trivia that I seemingly know all of the answers to.  (For example: Where did Jack Dorsey, co-founder of Twitter, graduate from high school?  Bishop DuBourg in St. Louis, MO.) (Side note:  You can totally tell that I am procrastinating about packing.  We leave on Friday, and I'm writing up long blog posts instead of doing anything that would help us move.  Meh, whatev.)

HOWEVER, I have never had even one, single question emailed to me from that link.  I assumed either everyone knew the answers or have been reading this blog long enough to know that I am not one to be trusted.

Until today.

I received a question from a reader named Becca who is mulling over a decision that most (if not all) women struggle with.  So, here goes the first installment of Advice for Other New Moms (it's a working title, I'm not sold on it, leave better suggestions in the comments.)

Hey, I've recently started reading your blog and I really love how funny and helpful it is! [Editor's Note: I left that part in because it makes me smile like I'm on crack.  If that's what happens when you're on crack.] I'm 16 weeks pregnant now and I have no idea what I'm doing really. [Editor's Note: I'm over 2 years postpartum and I don't either.  Welcome to motherhood.  You're in good company.] I've been going back and forth about breast feeding and formula feeding.  I read that breast feeding is more healthy for the baby, but I'm nervous about being in public and needing to feed him/her.  The whole concept kind of scares me, but I want to do what's best for my baby...help!

First of all, Becca, by the sheer virtue of you being worried about what is best for your baby, I can tell you this without a doubt - you are doing what is best for your baby.  That said, this is a huge decision and may be one that defines your first year of motherhood, so definitely don't take it lightly.

I'll start by shooting myself in the foot.  Stay off the Internet when you ask this question.
I'm only partially kidding.  You see, for every woman that says "Formula feeding is the only way to go," there is a woman with her boob ready to pop you in the face saying, "Breast is best."  And, though I'd love to be able to tell you that they're really nice about their difference in opinions - that is the furthest thing from the truth.  I have never felt like a worse mother than when I'm looking at some of the comment threads on the various mommy communities.  Stay away when you're feeling vulnerable.

The facts are pretty straightforward, while they continue year after year to refine the chemical make-up of formula to match some of the benefits of breast milk - the mechanism of breast feeding itself is worth a lot of benefits as well.  And, there are some enzymes found in breast milk that are never going to be able to be manufactured because breast milk is perfectly engineered (by nature) for your baby's exact needs.  So, for the most part, in the health column, there's a lot more research that supports breast feeding being the very best option for your child.

However, for a baby to get those health benefits, breast feeding has to work.  And this is not always the case.  I can tell you that for the first few weeks of breast feeding, I worked harder than I've ever worked in my life to get it to work.  That did include some days where I felt like the kid never left my arms.  (Don't worry, after that initial period, it came to be the most natural/easy thing I've ever done in my life.  I actually came to enjoy those times in a way I would have probably cringed about before I had a kid.)

If breast feeding isn't working (supply issues, latching issues, mother/baby illness, etc.) - obviously you've got to go to a Plan B which may mean supplementing with formula, pumping milk and then feeding it to the baby, a combination of those options, or deciding to formula feed exclusively.  Trust me when I say, I have had multiple friends who tried like hell to breast feed and were not able to do so. The minute the word "dehydration" is mentioned about your tiny infant, you will be the first person in line in the formula aisle.  Even the most devout breast feeding woman would be.  (Or should be, in my opinion.)

As for breast feeding in public: I am with you on that one.  It never worked for me.  It was super uncomfortable and something that was so simple for me to do at home became very complicated when I was in public feeling like strangers were judging me.  Having a baby will change your entire life and probably a lot about the person you are today, but at your very core you will still likely be someone who is not comfortable with even a limited amount of public nudity.  That does not have to change.   I probably would have never struggled with my decision to breast feed one bit if someone would have said, "You do not have to turn into some half-naked looney toon to be successful at this!"

In my 12-months of breast feeding, I only breast fed in public a minimal number of times.  All of which I utilized a nursing cover, a quiet corner, and a down-turned gaze. (I found that if I couldn't see the other people, I could pretend they weren't there.)  The most public place I ever fed my son was on an airplane with my husband sitting in a way that blocked me from public viewing, the aforementioned nursing cover was used, and it resulted in my son sleeping through both 2 hour flights.  (Truly, I think anyone who doesn't like a screaming infant on a plane would have high-fived me for nursing during take off.)  Sometimes avoiding the nursing in public thing takes a little extra planning, but probably only marginally more than preparing bottles to bring with you for any outing as a formula feeding mom as well.

(Also, have to thank the folks at Luvs for this little bit of brilliance.  And thanks to Mommy Shorts for sharing it.)

It also has to be said that breast feeding saves a lot of money.  Even if you need to buy a top-of-the-line breast pump (to return to work, have a night away from your baby, or have a glass of wine because you will sure as hell need it), you are likely to save close to $1500.00 for the first year as compared to exclusively feeding with formula.  Generally, when I was hitting a rough patch with breast feeding (or feeling like I didn't want to do it anymore at all), I found that standing in the formula aisle and holding a can of $40.00 formula that wouldn't last a whole week was enough to send me straight back to the booby camp.  For some people?  This isn't a problem.  They'll make it work or feel that the expense is worth it.  For us?  We truly would have had difficulties affording it.

Additionally, my husband was very pro-breast feeding and did everything he could to be supportive throughout the 12 months I did it.  That is absolutely something that leads to the success of a breast feeding mom - a dad who thinks it's pretty swell as well.  Sure, dad can't really do much in the way of feeding the baby when you're breast feeding, but they can bring you cookies.  Which is even better.

I think the best way to go about it is to absolutely give it the old college try.  Give yourself a deadline:  "If I try this for 6 weeks and don't like it, I'm stopping."  I did this (and some days, I had to say, "Okay, I'm doing it until the end of the week/day/45 minute period and then I'm quitting.") and whenever my deadline came up I always found myself not even dreaming of stopping.  I would also really challenge you to not use formula during this time whatsoever just to get a good supply established.  In other words, don't give up on breast feeding before you've even really tried.  (If that's what you ultimately decide you want to do.)

I always say that whatever works best for you, for your values as a mother/person, and for your family is always the best way to go.  And after that?  You can't make a wrong decision.

Good luck, Becca.  And welcome to the New Mom Club!

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I have to admit that this response is a little bit one-sided and that is only because I was able to breast feed successfully (as I had hoped to do) for 12 months.  I would really love to know other mom's perspectives and I'm sure Becca would too.  What made you decide to choose formula and why did it work better?  Was the cost a big deal?  Did your baby flat out refuse the breast?  Any advice you think would be helpful on this issue?  Don't you think more people should ask questions?! I AM SO GOOD AT QUESTIONS.

Here's a link to several of my favorite posts on the topic (a very popular one in my first year as a blogger!)