It's just another day...

I teased this when I answered a question in my most recent AFONM post.  I had to really dig into the archives of my addled brain for this, but I truly hope it will help someone who is planning to breast feed and work outside the home.  Your breast pump will become your friend.  Enjoy those days.  They won't last forever and the last time you pump, you'll feel oddly nostalgic.  And a little free.  Enjoy that too.  So, here you go...(this was after I dropped my totally unnecessary 3rd and 4th pumping sessions).

A Day in the Life of NMOTB {Circa 2010-2011}

5:00 am - My wake up call.  I get showered, dressed, and ready for the day.  I pack my lunch, eat breakfast, and prepare for a speedy exit all before waking up the baby (if I can help it.)  If the baby does wake up, that's my husband's wake up call.  Morning, honey.

6:00 am - Go get the sleeping baby and dress him (early on, you may just want to leave him in his jammies because younger babies are more prone to spit up and the less wardrobe changes the better.)  With this in mind, I usually don a robe over my work clothes to avoid a wardrobe change for me as well.  Sit down for a bit to nurse him for his first morning feeding.  Usually he sticks to one side in the morning. (I would switch him half way through when we were first starting out to even out my supply.)

6:30 am - Baby finishes morning feeding.  I hand him off to daddy who would does the morning drop off.  (He has a home office and doesn't have to punch a clock.  I, on the other hand, almost never make it to work on time and need to leave immediately, breast pump in tow.)

7:30 am - I arrive at work and start my morning by answering emails, chatting with co-workers, and preparing myself for the day.

8:00 am - Door is locked, breast pump is on and in place.  This will be my most lucrative pumping session.  Usually able to pump between 15-20 ounces in a 20 minute session.  (Do not fret, my pet.  This is the most ridiculous amount of milk and is not the norm.  Amount of milk per session varies per woman, but know that this yield was odd.  I would say something around 5-10 ounces is more normal for this first session.  Especially after you have fed your baby less than two hours before.  Ignore my freak boobs.)  These exact bottles will go to the sitter's house tomorrow to eat.  TIH always got milk that was no more than a day old.

8:30 am - I am already back to work.  Pumped milk has been divided equally among the 4 bottles he usually takes while at the sitter's house and stored in my mini fridge.  (TIH would take 5 ounces at a time from a bottle.  This is more than other kids.  Usually 3-4 is more of the norm.  This may explain the freak boobs.)  My pump parts have been wiped clean and stored in the fridge as well.

8:30-11:00 am - Work, workity, work.

11:00 am - Much needed lunch break.

12:00 pm - If I had a 3rd pumping session, this is when I would do it.  I got rid of it a long time ago though, so suck it!  I'm going to take a nap in my office send more emails.

2:00 pm - Door is locked, breast pump is on and in place.  This pumping session yields about 6-8 ounces (again, freak boobs).  I store the milk in 2 ounce increments in storage bags which will be frozen when I go home. I label those storage bags with the date and the amount.  The session lasts about 15 minutes and then I return to work.

3:45 pm - Time to pack up for home.  I take all of the cold milk out of the refrigerator and move it into a soft cooler with ice packs that I've stored in the freezer in the staff lounge.  A few times I will leave this cooler at work and be more mad at myself than you can even imagine.

4:00 pm - Clock out, head home to pick up TIH from the sitter's house.  When I get there, she tells me when his last bottle was (usually around 3:00 pm) and gives me the empty bottles from the day (she was a doll and would rinse them for me so I could put them straight in the dishwasher when I got home).

5:00 pm - TIH and I are both home and sitting down for his evening nursing session (I always started on the opposite side of the morning feeding since he usually stuck on one side in the morning.)  My husband makes dinner (I know, it's a charmed life) and I watch DVR'd episodes of Real Housewives (Teresa was nuts back then too.)

5:30 pm - Having cleaned my pump parts in warm soapy water, I use one of those sterilization bags made by Medela to clean the parts in the microwave.  I place the storage bags of milk in the freezer among others, making sure that the older bags of milk are more accessible (use your older milk first.)  This is a great idea for storing those bags and I wish I had thought of it!  I put the bottles from today's pumping sessions in the refrigerator to be sent to the sitter's in the morning. (My sitter also has a small supply of frozen milk [5-10 ounces] in case she needed an additional bottle besides what I pumped.)

6:00 pm - I pack a set of clean bottles, my sterilized pump parts, and more milk storage bags into my pump bag and I am ready for the next day.


(I would then nurse TIH on demand for the rest of the night, but usually he would just need one long feeding right before bed and he would be good to go.  He would get a meal of solids while we ate dinner as well, so he was usually pretty dang full by bedtime.)

Got that?  It was actually pretty simple.  And took less than an hour out of my work schedule.  I could have easily pumped during my lunch break, if that was the only opportunity I was afforded.  I just got lucky in that regard.  I didn't always love my breast pump, but it really did make my goal (of breast feeding for one year) much more realistic and attainable once I returned to work.

Because of my supply abundance, I ended up with a lot of frozen milk in storage that allowed us to bring bottles with us in public places (I did not like nursing in public) and also allowed me to stop pumping entirely when TIH was 11 months.  That was pretty sweet.

Now, here's my supply list.  These people aren't paying me, but I sure do love them for the comfort they provided me in that first year.  (And if they wanted to send me some swag, I wouldn't say no. </end shameless sponsorship plug>)

Breast pump:

Medela Pump In Style

Bottles:
These came with the breast pump and worked the best for us.  Again, we just got lucky.  Most people will have to try a lot of different brands.  Specific brands are more compatible with breast feeding, so definitely keep that in mind when selecting a bottle.

Medela Bottles/Nipples

Storage bags:

Lansinoh Storage Bags

Sterilization Bags:

Medela Quick Clean Bags

Cooler:
We had two - one for me to bring to work and one for the sitter's house.  You could probably use any sort of insulated lunch bag with some ice packs.

Munchkin Cool Wrap Bottle Bag

Questions?  Email me!  I have answers.

Pump up the volume...

YAY!  I have another question to answer for my Advice for other New Moms column!
It has taken me awhile to answer this question because it has been over two years since I hung up my breast shields, so I had to really think about the method to that madness that I engaged in (happily) for my first year of being a working mom.  Here's what this New Mom wants to know:

You are a brave woman for putting your email address out there! {You have no idea - can I interest you in a flesh light?  I can forward you 3 dozen emails.} I just read your breastfeeding post.  Good for you for sticking with it!  I am 33 weeks pregnant and am already seriously doubting my abilities!  My question is, did you ever pump at work?  I work as a legal assistant for a very (very, very) small law firm.  I would like to at least pump for my little girl because I know the benefits (as well as it is soooo much cheaper which will be a plus while recovering from the financial loss from maternity leave.) {Preach.} But, I feel super uncomfortable with any of the pumping-at-work scenarios I have come up with in my head. {I had a private office and I still got walked in on once, so I hear ya.}  Hiding in the bathroom seems silly, but there are too many things that could go wrong with me just going into the empty office. What am I supposed to do, put a sign on the door that says "Milking in progress?" Awkward. {I personally prefer "Moooooove along, we're busy."}  Might I mention that my boss is a 60 year old man...  Anyway, I have also read blogs by women who have exclusively pumped for their chitlins.  One lady was saying she never used formula, but had to pump for 20-30 minutes every two hours.  TWO HOURS!!! MY boss will most certainly not be okay with that!  So, if you did pump at work, or know anyone that has, how did you/they do it?  I'm totally okay with pumping before work, during my lunch break, and then after work, but doesn't your body tell you when you need to pump?  And if you are used to breast feeding, won't said body need to be pumped more often?  As you can tell, I am totally clueless!  Thanks!  - Clueless FTM

Dear Clueless -

First things first, you are less "clueless" than you give yourself credit for.  You've clearly been thinking a lot about this and weighing your options. Congratulations.  You're a mom!  You'll never stop doing this as long as you live!  Whee!  (But, seriously, nice work.  You've got a lot more clues than you think.)

All of your questions are all totally valid. I was fortunate enough to not have to worry about a lot of this.  I had:

1. A private office with a lock and no windows
2. A co-worker who had pumped for 2 babies and was a wealth of knowledge
3. A female boss who may have been president of the local La Leche League chapter as encouraging as she was for me to breast feed/pump while working.
4.  Mostly female co-workers who were supportive of my pumping schedule, having breast fed themselves or who hoped to one day.
5.  A schedule I made mostly for myself.

I'm not telling you that to brag.  I'm telling you that to let you know that despite "having it made" in my first few weeks back to work, I was a wreck when it came to coming up with a plan to pump.

Breastfeeding in and of itself was a quite a feat for me, and the minute I thought I had the hang of that, it was time to add a piece of machinery to the mix?  Fugedaboutit.  I was a mess.

Here's how I did it.  I hope it works for you.

- I was honest from the beginning with my co-workers about my plans.  Sure, the conversations were uncomfortable (even with women and even with their support), but it would have been way more uncomfortable for me to try to have this conversation early rather than try to schedule it around my pumping schedule.  This went remarkably well.  Given my lag time on this response, you may already be on your maternity leave.  If that is the case, why not discuss your plans in an email?  I don't know what state you are in, but a lot of states have laws protecting your right to take breaks to pump.  The fact that you work with legal types actually bodes well for you in this case!  (Plus with an email there is a paper trail.  Eh?  Eh?  Just kidding.  You probably shouldn't eff around with lawyers, especially when they employ you.)  But, be up front.  You'll be glad you were.

- The week leading up to going back to work, I pumped as though my baby wasn't there and fed him the milk from the bottle.  It helped to have some extra milk around the house to get us started, so when I had changes in between feedings or if he slept through a feeding, I always pumped and froze the milk.  I knew The Incredible Hulk's feeding schedule and so every time he acted hungry (which was usually every two or three hours), I pumped and gave him a bottle of pumped milk instead.  This ended up being FOUR times a day.  That's a lot.  You yourself said you couldn't do this.  I'm with you.  That's impossible.  I knew I could finagle it for my first week back because my groups were still being covered, but past that?   I was a little concerned.

- I kept that up until I had to attend a training only a couple of weeks after returning to work.  Not only did I not have an office - I didn't even have a private bathroom or closet or corner to go to.  What I had was the backseat of my car, an electrical inverter that plugged into my cigarette lighter, a secluded parking lot, and a nursing cover.  No way was I going to do that four times a day.  Plus, with no breaks during this training, I was missing the training hours by going to pump in my car.  This was first time I cut out a pumping session.  Do you know what happened to my supply?  Nothing.  Sure, my breasts felt a little heavy by the time I rolled around to my (now cancelled) pumping session, but it wasn't anything I couldn't handle.  And it went away after the first day.

- This is when I decided to experiment.  I really wanted to get by with only two pumping sessions a day.  I was in a wedding around the time TIH was 3 months old, so I decided to experiment then.  Do you know what happened to my supply?  Nothing.  I was still able to yield the same amount of milk without any problems.

- I stuck to the two sessions a day (morning and afternoon) schedule for the rest of the year.  I was able to cut down to one session once TIH was around 9 months old.  I stopped pumping all together (and used frozen milk for during the day to feed him at the babysitter's house) when he was about 11 months old.  I just fed him before and after work (just as I had when I was doing 4 sessions) and always had enough milk for him.

Literally, I never had a single supply issue.  I might have just gotten lucky, but it is only recommended that you pump for your baby one time for every four hours you are away from her.  For most people, this means anywhere from 1-3 pumping sessions a day.  If you cut it close at the end of the day, you can always nurse your daughter at your childcare provider before you take her home with you.  This is completely acceptable and most providers are open to it!

You said you had a plan to pump in the morning before work, to pump during lunch, and to pump in the afternoon.  Listen, lady.  You've got it down!  You might be able to get by with only 1-2 of those sessions (eventually.)  The milk will evenly distribute itself among those feedings.  The key is staying relaxed, hydrated, and making sure you're eating enough.

At first, your body may need some adjustment time.  So, on your first day back use the best breast pads you can find and switch them out as often as necessary and dress in layers in case you have any leaking.  Your body will adjust faster than you can imagine.

If none of this is happening for you and you have trouble with supply, clogged ducts, mastitis, or discomfort in the first week, contact a friendly lactation consultant.  Lay out your situation for them.  Tell them what is realistic and what isn't realistic for you.  They will point you in the right direction.

In the future, I will post with more specifics about my daily pumping schedule and routines which may help you prepare when you return to work, but for now, rest assured that you are going to do GREAT especially if you can fit in the 1-3 pumping sessions you think you can do.  Best of luck to you.  Can't wait for an update to hear how it is all going.

And, if it doesn't go well?  You're still doing the right thing.  As long as your child is getting the nourishment she needs - the source really doesn't matter.

Well...almost.

This indecision's bugging me...

When I started New Mom on the Blog, I did so because I figured (like me) there were other new moms who hit the blogging community for the answers to all of their burning questions.  In that vein, I also posted a link to my email address so that readers could send me questions about motherhood, life, babies, or useless trivia that I seemingly know all of the answers to.  (For example: Where did Jack Dorsey, co-founder of Twitter, graduate from high school?  Bishop DuBourg in St. Louis, MO.) (Side note:  You can totally tell that I am procrastinating about packing.  We leave on Friday, and I'm writing up long blog posts instead of doing anything that would help us move.  Meh, whatev.)

HOWEVER, I have never had even one, single question emailed to me from that link.  I assumed either everyone knew the answers or have been reading this blog long enough to know that I am not one to be trusted.

Until today.

I received a question from a reader named Becca who is mulling over a decision that most (if not all) women struggle with.  So, here goes the first installment of Advice for Other New Moms (it's a working title, I'm not sold on it, leave better suggestions in the comments.)

Hey, I've recently started reading your blog and I really love how funny and helpful it is! [Editor's Note: I left that part in because it makes me smile like I'm on crack.  If that's what happens when you're on crack.] I'm 16 weeks pregnant now and I have no idea what I'm doing really. [Editor's Note: I'm over 2 years postpartum and I don't either.  Welcome to motherhood.  You're in good company.] I've been going back and forth about breast feeding and formula feeding.  I read that breast feeding is more healthy for the baby, but I'm nervous about being in public and needing to feed him/her.  The whole concept kind of scares me, but I want to do what's best for my baby...help!

First of all, Becca, by the sheer virtue of you being worried about what is best for your baby, I can tell you this without a doubt - you are doing what is best for your baby.  That said, this is a huge decision and may be one that defines your first year of motherhood, so definitely don't take it lightly.

I'll start by shooting myself in the foot.  Stay off the Internet when you ask this question.
I'm only partially kidding.  You see, for every woman that says "Formula feeding is the only way to go," there is a woman with her boob ready to pop you in the face saying, "Breast is best."  And, though I'd love to be able to tell you that they're really nice about their difference in opinions - that is the furthest thing from the truth.  I have never felt like a worse mother than when I'm looking at some of the comment threads on the various mommy communities.  Stay away when you're feeling vulnerable.

The facts are pretty straightforward, while they continue year after year to refine the chemical make-up of formula to match some of the benefits of breast milk - the mechanism of breast feeding itself is worth a lot of benefits as well.  And, there are some enzymes found in breast milk that are never going to be able to be manufactured because breast milk is perfectly engineered (by nature) for your baby's exact needs.  So, for the most part, in the health column, there's a lot more research that supports breast feeding being the very best option for your child.

However, for a baby to get those health benefits, breast feeding has to work.  And this is not always the case.  I can tell you that for the first few weeks of breast feeding, I worked harder than I've ever worked in my life to get it to work.  That did include some days where I felt like the kid never left my arms.  (Don't worry, after that initial period, it came to be the most natural/easy thing I've ever done in my life.  I actually came to enjoy those times in a way I would have probably cringed about before I had a kid.)

If breast feeding isn't working (supply issues, latching issues, mother/baby illness, etc.) - obviously you've got to go to a Plan B which may mean supplementing with formula, pumping milk and then feeding it to the baby, a combination of those options, or deciding to formula feed exclusively.  Trust me when I say, I have had multiple friends who tried like hell to breast feed and were not able to do so. The minute the word "dehydration" is mentioned about your tiny infant, you will be the first person in line in the formula aisle.  Even the most devout breast feeding woman would be.  (Or should be, in my opinion.)

As for breast feeding in public: I am with you on that one.  It never worked for me.  It was super uncomfortable and something that was so simple for me to do at home became very complicated when I was in public feeling like strangers were judging me.  Having a baby will change your entire life and probably a lot about the person you are today, but at your very core you will still likely be someone who is not comfortable with even a limited amount of public nudity.  That does not have to change.   I probably would have never struggled with my decision to breast feed one bit if someone would have said, "You do not have to turn into some half-naked looney toon to be successful at this!"

In my 12-months of breast feeding, I only breast fed in public a minimal number of times.  All of which I utilized a nursing cover, a quiet corner, and a down-turned gaze. (I found that if I couldn't see the other people, I could pretend they weren't there.)  The most public place I ever fed my son was on an airplane with my husband sitting in a way that blocked me from public viewing, the aforementioned nursing cover was used, and it resulted in my son sleeping through both 2 hour flights.  (Truly, I think anyone who doesn't like a screaming infant on a plane would have high-fived me for nursing during take off.)  Sometimes avoiding the nursing in public thing takes a little extra planning, but probably only marginally more than preparing bottles to bring with you for any outing as a formula feeding mom as well.

(Also, have to thank the folks at Luvs for this little bit of brilliance.  And thanks to Mommy Shorts for sharing it.)

It also has to be said that breast feeding saves a lot of money.  Even if you need to buy a top-of-the-line breast pump (to return to work, have a night away from your baby, or have a glass of wine because you will sure as hell need it), you are likely to save close to $1500.00 for the first year as compared to exclusively feeding with formula.  Generally, when I was hitting a rough patch with breast feeding (or feeling like I didn't want to do it anymore at all), I found that standing in the formula aisle and holding a can of $40.00 formula that wouldn't last a whole week was enough to send me straight back to the booby camp.  For some people?  This isn't a problem.  They'll make it work or feel that the expense is worth it.  For us?  We truly would have had difficulties affording it.

Additionally, my husband was very pro-breast feeding and did everything he could to be supportive throughout the 12 months I did it.  That is absolutely something that leads to the success of a breast feeding mom - a dad who thinks it's pretty swell as well.  Sure, dad can't really do much in the way of feeding the baby when you're breast feeding, but they can bring you cookies.  Which is even better.

I think the best way to go about it is to absolutely give it the old college try.  Give yourself a deadline:  "If I try this for 6 weeks and don't like it, I'm stopping."  I did this (and some days, I had to say, "Okay, I'm doing it until the end of the week/day/45 minute period and then I'm quitting.") and whenever my deadline came up I always found myself not even dreaming of stopping.  I would also really challenge you to not use formula during this time whatsoever just to get a good supply established.  In other words, don't give up on breast feeding before you've even really tried.  (If that's what you ultimately decide you want to do.)

I always say that whatever works best for you, for your values as a mother/person, and for your family is always the best way to go.  And after that?  You can't make a wrong decision.

Good luck, Becca.  And welcome to the New Mom Club!

-----


I have to admit that this response is a little bit one-sided and that is only because I was able to breast feed successfully (as I had hoped to do) for 12 months.  I would really love to know other mom's perspectives and I'm sure Becca would too.  What made you decide to choose formula and why did it work better?  Was the cost a big deal?  Did your baby flat out refuse the breast?  Any advice you think would be helpful on this issue?  Don't you think more people should ask questions?! I AM SO GOOD AT QUESTIONS.

Here's a link to several of my favorite posts on the topic (a very popular one in my first year as a blogger!)

All about chemistry...

When I was pregnant, I spent a lot of time worrying about what I could/could not eat and what I could/could not do.  I also spent a lot of time worrying that I would wear down the patience of the saintly nurses at my OB's office.  Often, I went without things like over-the-counter medicines, lunch meats, and seat warmers because I was so, so frightened that I would somehow harm the baby and I just wasn't sure where to get the good info (without calling my OB in the middle of the night.)

Little did I know, there was an INCREDIBLE blog devoted to that. very. purpose.

Amy of Pregnant Chicken has cornered the market (if there is such a market) on everything you need to know QUICKLY about pregnancy and newborns.  From placenta encapsulation to home birth, she has covered it all and always manages to do it in such a balanced way.  Her ability to do this while often being HILARIOUS makes her one of my blogging idols.  So when she asked me if I would ever like to guest post...I JUMPED at the opportunity.

Guess what I talked about?  Yeah.  Breastfeeding.  Again.
(And strangely enough it I wrote it and sent it to her long before this post.)

So, please go check it out here. 

Also, if you haven't already add her website to your bookmarks for all of those urgent pregnancy questions.  Or to read about whether or not you can play in a bouncy castle while you're pregnant.
'Cause well...you never know.

My happy ending...

A year ago yesterday was the day we brought TIH home from the hospital.
Like all new parents, we brought him into the house, happy to be back in our own home, and then, like a freight train, it hit us - what are we supposed to do with this kid?
Pretty quickly we figured it out - feed him, burp him, change him, repeat repeat repeat.
In a future post, I will talk more about those first few weeks when I was the newest of New Moms.
Today I want to talk about that first night.

The night where I was peeling my eyes open though they were ready to slam shut from exhaustion.  The night where I'm asking myself how this kid could possibly need to be fed again or changed again or rocked again.  And the night where I woke up not long after midnight with an aching, heavy feeling in my bra which was suddenly 3-4 sizes too small.

My milk had come in.

I remember having to assemble the breast pump I had no idea how to use (since my nurse's helpful advice was "Um,  you just, like, turn it on and, like, pump!")  I remember not being sure how long I was supposed to do it, but I knew I just needed to to relieve some of the pressure.  I remember being amazed at how quickly it just sort of...happened.


Flash forward 364 days.  The day after TIH's first birthday.  The day that I have decided will be my last day to breast feed him.  We had already cut out all of our feedings except for the last one - his bedtime feeding.  Weaning had been strangely easy.  (I'm trying not to take it personally.)

It was a typical feeding.  I played on my phone and watched an episode of Hoarders while TIH drifted off.  About half way through, I stopped playing with my phone, turned off the TV, and just stared at him for a second.  I gave him a little squeeze.  I told him that even though this part was over, that he was still my little baby and that we would always spend some sort of quality time together.  It was about that point that he unlatched.  For the last time.  And with his eyes still closed and a drowsy little smile playing on his lips, he said, Maaahhhh maaahhhh.

I set him down in his crib.  Took a deep breath.  And walked out.  Feeling proud.  Accomplished.
A year ago, I would have never thought I was going to make it to where I am today.
I successfully breast fed for twelve. whole. months.


Last night, the anniversary of the night we brought TIH home from the hospital, was the first night we attempted the bedtime routine sans boobies.  We did everything exactly the same.  Bath, diaper, lavender lotion, jammies, lullaby - except instead of mommy, there was a cup filled with warm milk.

Wouldn't you know it?  The kid just reached for it.  He settled in, stroked the ear of his new favorite stuffed animal (Sammy the Lamby), and slowly drifted off to sleep.  I cuddled him the same way I would cuddle him when he was nursing.  I rocked him a bit after he was finished with the milk until I felt like he was completely asleep.

And then, I set him down in his crib.  Took a deep breath.  And made my way to the door.  Just before I closed the door behind me, I heard him stir a little bit and turn over on his side.  I walked back to his crib to rub his forehead a little and make sure he was completely asleep.  His eyes were still closed and he had a drowsy little smile.  I went to tiptoe out of the room when I heard him say it - Maaahhhh, maaahhhh.

I took a deep breath.  And walked out.
Twelve. whole. months.

They say that breaking up is hard to do...

Folks?  I have an announcement to make.  The Incredible Hulk and I are breaking up.
Well.  We're about to break up. In about a month in a half.
But let me tell ya, in a month and a half it WILL HAPPEN because I. AM. DONE.

I have been doing this breast feeding thing for the past ten and a half months and with only 46 days left until The Incredible Hulk's first birthday, I am sooooooo over it.

I made a deal with myself to last for the first twelve months and as that date steadily approaches, I feel like I am experiencing something akin to the "senioritis" I felt during the last few weeks of college.  I know that on July 17, I can't just be like "PEACE OUT, SUCKAS!" and expect him to be weaned just like that.  But I really am planning to leave that damn breast pump at home on July 18.  Uncomfortable as it may be, I think I have earned it.

So, in order to cope and keep my eye on the prize for these last few weeks of feeling like a common dairy cow, I give you this.

The Top Ten Things I Will NOT Miss About Breastfeeding

10.  The Equipment - Though I recently tweeted about how great Medela and their products have been, I am still SO ready to chuck everything in storage and just be done with all of the breast feeding accouterments.  Milk storage bags, breast pads, bottles, pump parts, lanolin cream...I want it out of my freaking house.

9.  The Questions - I guess by now I should realize that not everyone knows that it is recommended, common, and perfectly normal to breast feed your baby for 12 months.  And I also realize that not everyone decides to breast feed or decides to continue for as long as I have.  I'm okay with that.  That said, it comes as a total shock to me when people ask if I am "still nursing" and look horrified when I tell them yes. Seriously?  It's not like TIH is in kindergarten.  I'm not that mother.  And honestly?  It's really not any of your business what I'm feeding my kid, but it's definitely not your business if you're gonna get all judgey-wudgey on me.

8.  Leakage - Though I really haven't ever had an embarrassing incident in public, I live in constant fear of leakage.  If they made torso sized breast pads, I would wear one.  Just to be safe.

7.  Awkward Social Gatherings - I feel like I cannot go anywhere for any extended period of time without planning ahead about where and when I will feed TIH should the occasion arise.  Sometimes we use bottles.  Sometimes we just excuse ourselves early.  Other times I have to have a horribly awkward conversation with the hosts about the location of the lactation room in their home.  And you all know I won't be doing that in public.

6.  Time Consumption - Yes, the benefits of breast feeding are obvious.  The bonding is fabulous.  It's the perfect food.  And blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...it takes a lot of FREAKING TIME.  I'm looking forward to not planning any part of my day around the fact that I might have to sit on a couch for 20 minutes waiting for TIH to finish eating.

5.  Nursing Bras - Honestly, for something you have to wear 24/7, does it HAVE to be so flippin' unattractive?  I have found exactly ONE attractive nursing bra that actually holds something that resembles a shape.  The rest make me look like I fled some African village.  Also, I cannot wait to have the ability to "free ball it" in bed again.  Sorry.  Overshare.  But it's true.

4.  Teeth - Yeah.  I won't elaborate on this one.

3.  Sobriety - The day that I am finally through with this stuff, I am celebrating by drinking an entire bottle of champagne.  BY MYSELF.  With a side of Chardonnay.  Followed by vodka. Followed by an epic hangover.  But, it will be worth it. Mark. My. Words.



It might look something like this.

2.  Decaf - I am also celebrating with a Venti FULL CAF Cinnamon Dolce Latte and eight Diet Cokes. Plus one of those 5 Hour Energy things.  Just because.

1.  Pumping - Call me redundant.  I know I've written about this before, but I really do not like pumping and cannot wait to to stop hooking myself up to that stupid thing.  I repeat - on July 18, it is NOT coming to work with me.




The flip side?  For every reason I came up with above, I can come up with ten reasons why I'm so happy I made the decision to breast feed and stuck with it.  I am honestly really proud of myself about it because I have never wanted to give something up so badly in my life while also being secretly terrified of failing.  (Not that if you give up breast feeding after trying it out that you're "failing."  You will never hear me say anything like that.  I swear.)

I'm sure you all remember how amazing as it feels to look at ultrasound pics, see a tiny little bean grow into a full human baby, and think - wow, I made that thing grow all by myself!  The same thing goes for breast feeding, only you get to see those results on the outside in the way of chubby cheeks and roly poly thighs.

So, I'm sure there may be a few bittersweet moments as this chapter of motherhood ends and another one begins, but mostly?

PEACE OUT, SUCKAS.

Pump it...

I have an array of readers out there.  All ages.  All walks of life.  Moms.  Non-moms.  I even have some male readers (which always flatters me to no end.)

I'm putting that out there to warn you.  (Especially you, male readers.) 
This post is about breast pumps.

More specifically, it's about the love/hate relationship I have with mine.  It's funny, I have a fellow mama friend who asked me if I've ever done a post about that love/hate relationship.  I have.  Kind of. 

So, then we proceeded to trade back and forth the number of horrible things that accompany your decision to continue breastfeeding when you go back to work.  By the end of the conversation, my sides hurt from laughing and still, we both agreed - we wouldn't change it for world.  I knew somewhere in there was a blog post.  I figured I would save that post for a rainy day. 

And then, Monday happened.  And lemme tell you, it poured.  So, let's begin, shall we?

You.  You're on my list.

My world has kind of been turned upside down recently with a much anticipated move to a new unit within the facility I'm working for.  And because that unit is located directly below the unit I had been working on, they went ahead and had me move my office to the floor below as well.  This is no big deal to me.  I try very hard not to be resistant to change and considering the constant threat of layoff that plagues the state system - I would gladly have my office in a coat closet if they would continue to employee me.

The office move also meant a day filled with lots of people entering/exiting my office to switch out phones, shampoo the carpets, move file cabinets, etc.  By Monday, I figured most of this would be done, so it was without hesitation that I locked the door to begin my AM pumping session.

Less than 5 minutes in, there is a chipper little knock on my door.  Assuming it was one of my female co-workers/hallway mates, I cheerfully said "Come back later!"  I'm a pretty private person, so I actually don't like my co-workers to know when I'm pumping in my office (in fact, it pretty much mortifies me).  However, I also think they'd start to get worried if I had multiple scheduled times of which I'm entering my office, locking the door behind me, and making strange machine-like noises.  So, a select few of my female co-workers know what I'm doing so they can ward off strange people coming by my office.  So, when I replied, "Come back later!" I assumed the person on the other side of the door would know exactly what that meant, and that it meant DO NOT ENTER FOR ANY REASON.

But, then I heard another two knocks.  And the sound of a key being inserted into the lock.  And the horrifying sound of the tumblers retracting.  Lots of voices outside of the door including one from our sweet, shy, male IT guy coming to get some inventory numbers from my recently relocated computer equipment.

I panicked.
It is the closest I have ever felt to having a heart attack.
I started screaming, "NO.  NO.  DO NOT COME IN.  COME BACK LATER.  COME BACK LATER!!!"  I pivoted my body (to face completely away from the door) with such force that I pulled my pump bag off of the desk with me.
I could hear the voices of my co-workers telling him to lock the door.  As I heard the lock slide back into place, I heaved a huge sigh which came out sounding like, "JESUS CHRIST" and continued about my duties.

Later, I sent him an email both apologizing for not being available and for screaming at him.  He came back with a sheepishly sweet email telling me that he couldn't hear me say not to come in because one of the housekeepers was changing trash bags and talking to him while he was knocking.  From his perspective, I probably sounded like a raving lunatic.  I am.  But, still.


This embarrassing walk-in is only the icing on the cake of my overwhelming annoyance with my breast pump.

I hate the fact that my pumping sessions almost always have to happen right when I'm in the middle of something.

I hate feeling like a cow hooked up to that thing.

I hate the sound it makes.

I hate carrying that thing home every night to clean and sterilize the parts (which I have forgotten to bring back with me on more than one occasion.)

I hate the fact that I can't go to some amazing trainings without planning ahead about where/when I'm going to pump when I get there.  (I had to pump in the parking lot of a very busy community college once.  I tried to turn it on using the battery pack and - nothing.  I fumbled around to see what the problem was and at that moment, my "hooter hider" fell off, exposing me to a parking lot filled with people.)

I hate answering the awkward question of "Oh, that is such a cute lunch bag.  Where did you get it?" 

I hate the constant fear of having a leakage episode if I'm not able to pump at my scheduled times.

I hate the constant fear of people thinking anything I have spilled on me is breast milk.  Because it's not.  EVER.

I hate forgetting the daily supply in my mini-fridge.  Or worse, leaving everything sitting in the middle of the floor of my office, so the daily supply has to be thrown out.

I hate the extra 10-15 minutes of my morning routine that has to be scheduled in order to bring that stupid thing with me.



But, still.  Even with factoring all of this in - I wouldn't have it any other way.

So, ladies?  Let's make this interactive.  Anything I left out?  What do you love/hate about your breast pump?  Don't be shy.  I mean, after the IT guy has almost seen you in the buff, what more do you have to lose?

I will not hear what you have to say...

The backlog on my posts is steadily growing.  I have a system where I write posts with only my blog titles and save them so I can remember what subjects I'm going to talk about in the future.  This one is getting skipped ahead because it happened yesterday and it's so fresh in my mind (therefore the rage I'm feeling is going to make it a more informational more successful more eloquent funnier post.)

Also, since Little Mr. Grunts A Lot's symptoms have resolved, it really does seem like an inappropriate nickname.  He doesn't grunt much at all anymore.  Unless he's well...never mind.  So, my new nickname for him is The Incredible Hulk (TIH for short).  This nickname comes from the fact that he grows out of clothes at an alarming rate, he's a huge baby, and for a baby he also has kind of temper on him.  (Lucky me.)  Also, there's this:




In case you can't tell, that's him in an Exersaucer, pulling THE ENTIRE Jumperoo over to him.  HULK WANT.

So, if you see me reference TIH in the future, you know who I'm talking about.

Henyway.

I had a rare opportunity to visit a local store with a friend, co-worker, and fellow mom on our lunch break.  I mention her so that you know there were witnesses and while I tend to totally lose my shit overreact at times, she was there and can back me up that what happened was a bit ridiculous.  This store is a really unique concept in that it is both a resale shop (clothes, baby gear, etc.) AND a breast feeding resource center (classes, support, library, bras, products, etc.)  They have nursing lounges, couches, a stack of Boppy's - it really is a neat idea and a neat place.  Several people have recommended that I stop in there early on to load up on gear, take advantage of some of their great prices, and get the support I would need to breast feed.  I never ventured out there in the beginning (it's really far away from where we live and TIH fortunately took the path of least resistance when it came to nursing). But, recently, I've had a question on my mind ever since TIH switched babysitters and we've been getting a more detailed report of how he has been eating.

Obviously, since I work outside of the home and chose to keep breast feeding that meant that I'd be pumping at work and sending bottles to daycare, with or without glitter depending on the day.  I was told early on in my pregnancy (I believe at one of my showers from another breast feeding mom) that I would want to stick with slow flow nipples to more closely imitate the let-down response babies experience when nursing.  That seemed easy enough and all of Medela's products came with slow-flow, wide-based nipples to work interchangeably with their bottles.  I really like Medela's products a lot, but recently my husband, the babysitter, and I have noticed that TIH gets really frustrated (HULK ANGRY.) when attempting to drink out of the slowest flow nipples that are available.  This basically has resulted in him drinking 1-2 ounces at a time (usually it was 4-5 ounces per feeding) and then getting extremely fussy, giving up, and refusing to eat.  My husband's original fix was actually using a sippy cup, which the baby took immediately.  But, I still had that little voice in my head shouting "NIPPLE CONFUSION" and scaring the living crap out of me (and my nipples).  I got a few packages of the "Medium flow" nipples which are also manufactured by Medela, but the improvement wasn't great.  Still frustrated.  Still fussy.  Still not eating nearly as much as he used to.  This?  Is the problem.  I'm spelling it out for you, dear reader, because evidently I did not spell out my problem clearly enough to the biotch hag lactation consultant I dealt with yesterday.  What I wanted to know is if I should go up even another step to an even faster flow nipple and if I should be wary of using the sippy cup to solve our problems.  Here's our conversation.  I have not left anything out.  This is exactly how it went.

Me: (begins to explain situation) ...so he went from getting 5 ounces per feeding to less than 3 ounces...
LC: (cuts me off)  Okay, 3 ounces?  Is A LOT.
Me:  No, okay.  5 ounces was normal for him and now he's eating less.
LC: (clearly does everything she can not to roll her eyes at me) Breast fed babies commonly get over fed.  He should not be getting more than 3 ounces per feeding because you will be getting yourself into a dangerous cycle in which you will never be able to keep up with the pumping.
Me: (not usually one to brag about my supply, and certainly not one to be outdone) ACTUALLY, on average, I've been pumping 10 ounces more per day than he needs.
LC: (also not one to be outdone, obviously) How is he being fed when he's getting bottles?
Me: I don't know, you'd have to ask my babysitter.
LC: He is supposed to be fed sitting up straight up with a slow flow nipple.
Me: (seeing that this is not getting anywhere and my original question has still not been answered) Ohhh, okay.  Thank you.
LC:  Can I get you a pamphlet about this?
Me: No.

(a few minutes later, she approached me again)

LC: ALSO, just so you know, unlike formula fed babies, breast fed babies don't increase the volume they drink as they get older.  The amount of formula fed is increased over time to increase the baby's caloric intake, but with breast milk...
Me: (cutting her off because despite the way she was talking to me, I am not a damn moron) ...the breast milk adjusts it's caloric content to fit the baby's need.  I know that.

My issues with both of these interactions (other than the fact that she was a horrible excuse for a human being to me throughout) is that she knows nothing about me OR my baby nor did she ask the questions necessary to gain such information.  She doesn't know how much he weighs, she doesn't even know how old he is, and even if she did - every. baby. is. different.  There is no magical equation you can fit in the right amount of feeding in for each baby.  With TIH, I just nursed on demand and that became the norm for him.  What I know to be true is that breast feeding is a matter of supply vs. demand.  On the weekends, when I am able to exclusively breast feed - my supply adjusts to TIH's needs.  When I'm at work, my supply continues to reflect this demand and I keep it up with my daily pumping sessions.  So, if I'm pumping enough that he gets 5 ounces per feeding?  That means he NEEDS 5 ounces per feeding.  It does not mean that I am overfeeding my baby, and how dare she insinuate that I am?  More importantly, her formula feeding comment pissed me off more than ever.  I have never formula fed a baby (not that there's anything wrong with that) so I know nothing about doing that.  She assumed that I was basing my feeding patterns on formula feeding, but that could not be further from the truth.  My feeding patterns are based on nothing other than the needs of my child and if she's going to give me advice to do anything other than that, I know her advice is not valuable or needed or anything.  At all.

While I waited for my friend to complete her purchase and while I perused their library of books, I noticed the same hag woman talking to another mother with a baby who could not have been more than a week or two old.  The woman had that familiar glazed over look common among new moms and even more common among new moms who are completely baffled by this method of feeding that is supposed to be the most natural thing in the world, but is really freaking scary when you first start out.  I watched as the mother tried to explain to this woman that breast feeding in public is hard for her and her baby and that they do better at home, so she's not going to be able to "whip it out" in order to get help and that she just wanted some questions answered.  I watched as that hag (no, I'm not striking it out this time, that's what she was being) roll her eyes at this mother and act like a total heinous B as she tried to explain "block feeding" (which, after 7 months, I still don't even know what that is) and kept watching as I could slowly see this new mother's resolve dissolving, her faith in this process diminishing, and her frustration reaching epic levels.  I wanted to punch the hag in the face and hug that mom and her beautiful new baby girl and tell her she's doing great and that she IS. GOING. TO. DO. THIS and that she's awesome for even trying.  I said to my friend as we left, "If that woman talked to me the way she just did when I was first starting out, I can guarantee I would have had a can of formula in my hand before the day was over.  That mom in there was about to cry and that woman was not helping in the least bit.  THIS is why moms give up."

So, if you happen to stumble upon this blog because you're desperate for some help or support when it comes to breast feeding or pumping, or...anything having to do with being a new mom, please feel free to contact me.   Leave it in a comment, send me a tweet or an e-mail.  Don't let the haters get you down. I don't want any of you to have the look on your face like the new mom in that store.  She didn't deserve that.  And neither do you.

Trust your instincts.  You're doing great, mama.  And have I mentioned?  You look fabulous.

I always feel like somebody's watching me and I have no privacy...

{Editors Note:  My New Year's resolution was to write in my blog more.  You all can see how that's been working out for me.  I've been horrendously busy and haven't had time to finish this post which I actually started about a week ago.  I've been chipping away at it little by little, but that left all of you out there with nothing.  I'm so sorry about that - especially since I am seeing more and more and more hits and comments from people I don't know and who I haven't begged to read my blog. Yay!  Progress! So thank you for being here.  I am sorry I've been a disappointing blogger.  I'm working on it.  Please stick with me.}


Let's just be honest and put it right out there that I'm not going to win any friends with this post.

No, that's not right.  Maybe I will.  Maybe there are some of you out there just like me and you are too scared to come forward.  Well, I'm taking it upon myself to end the silence.

I am a proud breastfeeding mother.
I think that breastfeeding is an awesome way to feed your child and I think that everyone should at least try it for a few weeks.  (After a few weeks if it still isn't your thing, move on.  I support you in doing so, I promise.)
But, unlike many of those proud breastfeeding mothers out there - I do not feel that it is my God-given right to hoist my boob out of my shirt in front of strangers to feed my child.

Okay, now that I've lost 4 of my 12 readers, I'll go on...

Sure, there are laws in place which allow breastfeeding in public.  Thank goodness they're there.  Because, Lord knows the only thing worse than a half naked woman in a public is a hungry screaming baby.  In fact, I can tell you that the only time Little Mister Grunts A Lot really gets his scream on is when he's gotten to the point of starvation (a starvation that will not allow him to even consider taking a bottle.)  But, even in those instances, I've utilized my handy hooter hider (mine is also handmade because I have a cousin who is AWESOME) AND also have found a quiet, private place in which to feed him.

I had several mothers tell me that I wouldn't care once I was actually doing it (another one of those "just you wait" conversations I have come despise), but I'm sorry to say - they were wrong.  Having a baby and deciding to breastfeed him didn't magically render me completely immodest.  Actually, it might have made me even more modest.  Because now, in addition to me having to break my "never be naked in public" rule, I also have to do something which can be quite difficult in front of a bunch of strangers.  This is why I often compare breastfeeding in public to that "showing up naked in high school and didn't study for the test" dream.

Unfortunately, I feel like it is expected that in order for me to be a breast feeding mother, I must also be some hardcore "lactivist" and demand equal opportunity feeding.  I just...can't do it.

I don't agree that breast feeding in public is as offensive as someone taking a poo in public.  I mean, breast feeding doesn't have a smell and you can't accidentally step in breast milk that someone left on the ground (LMGAL will make sure of that...no drop is spared.)  But, I do think it makes other people feel uncomfortable.  And when you're at a restaurant or a mall or a graduation party - it's not nice to make people feel uncomfortable.

I used to work at a heinously trendy clothing store (it was a dark time) and I remember we had a woman who dropped trough in the middle of the store (she was wearing a leotard underneath her clothes) and tried on a couple of things instead of waiting in line for a dressing room.  She actually fully refused to use a dressing room.  She wasn't really hurting anyone and she wasn't technically naked, but it was making other patrons feel uncomfortable. Several of those patrons complained and eventually our manager asked the woman to leave the store.

A few weeks later, a woman sat down outside of the dressing rooms on a bench and started to breast feed her baby in the middle of the store.  She certainly wasn't really hurting anyone and again she wasn't technically naked (she was being pretty discreet) - but sure enough, other patrons felt uncomfortable and eventually complained.  But, in this case we couldn't ask that woman to leave the store because she was protected by laws that allowed her to do exactly what she was doing.  So, instead we had uncomfortable, pissed off patrons, who eventually left the store. 

I'm not at all condoning the behavior of any of the parties involved in this instance.  Even at the time (before I had or even wanted kids), I knew that there was no reason to be outraged at the woman trying to feed her baby the only way she could.  But, you should know, we were in a mall that actually has a family restroom with a nursing lounge.  (By the way, have you seen these?  They're seriously made of awesomeness.  In our mall they are small [but not too small] curtained stalls with large cushy chairs and lots of copies of People and Us Weekly.  I'm in love.)  I do feel for the mother who thought she had no other choice but to plop down in the middle of a loud, crowded, hot clothing store to feed her baby, but loud, crowded, hot places aren't the best place for babies anyway, are they?  (Not to mention, who can fit in those tiny, skanky clothes a few months after having babies?  Not me.)

Looking back on that day, I'm reminded of a quote from the book So, That's What They're For! which has been my go-to resource for breast feeding.  The author quotes the laws which protect breast feeding mothers and points out that these laws state that mothers are allowed  to feed their babies in public, but she makes the distinction that the law does not say that mothers have the right to breast feed their babies publicly.  I can tell you that the mother in the aforementioned situation did her best to be discreet, but, to this day, I find it strange that she didn't exercise the options available to her (going to a store that wasn't loud and noisy and crowded with non-mothers, using the awesome nursing lounges, etc.)  I don't think that she should be trapped in her house for the entire 12 months that she breast feeds her child, AND I don't think that gives her the right to clear a store of patrons either.

Finally, I can tell you that one of the reasons I almost didn't breast feed was because of what I thought was expected of me and I knew it was an expectation I couldn't live up to.   I'm never going to think it is "okay" to expose myself in front of a bunch of people.  And, as it turns out no one really thinks I should do that anyway (and those that do have their own issues to work through.)  For myself, I'm careful about how I talk about breast feeding with other moms and especially with moms-to-be.  Breast feeding doesn't work for everyone, but I know that more moms would be willing to try it if they weren't so intimidated by crazy "lactivist" mothers.  The ones who think it is natural to whip out your boobs for the world to see and that you're a bad person for thinking otherwise or worse, who make other mothers feel like crap for formula feeding when and if breast feeding just doesn't work out.

Listen, as long as you're not trying to feed a 3 month old a cheeseburger, I think you're doing a good job.  And, at the end of this heinously long blog post the day, that's all that matters.