I don't wanna become someone who can't live up to what I already done...

As many of you noticed, the last year has not exactly been a wealth of valuable blogging from NMOTB.  In fact, my blog was so silent, I did have people ask me if I had totally decided to give it up. I would usually say that I was in the midst of working on something (and sometimes I was), but for the most part, I actually was doing nothing for myself as a writer.

I wish I could say my time away from the blog was spent constantly generating new content.

In a way, I suppose it is what that time is spent doing.  I spent my time away from my blog just being a mom and literally developing new stories to tell you, new life lessons to share, and engaging in my general jackassery on social media in the meantime.

I often walk a fine line between being New Mom on the Blog - the writer and New Mom on the Blog - the MOM.  I see and admire so many women who are able to stare at a blank screen and fill it with words and content that actually generates feedback, income, notoriety.

I stare at a blank screen and freeze.

I realize that with every tweet, every post, every picture shared on Instagram, I am developing a persona who people may LOVE, or - who people may judge harshly.  I open myself up to that pain and judgment that is always lurking just below the surface.

I have a pretty incredible fan base just in friends and fellow mommies.  Those people lift me up.  Give me ideas for blogs.  Ask me questions.  Are proud to have their stories featured.  They understand that I am trying to build a brand, a business, and they are my most loyal patrons.  They understand that I absolutely adore being a mother, even if I don't spend my entire day at home with my kid.  Even if sometimes I write about the not-so-shiny moments of parenthood.  They get it. They've been there.  They want to hear more.

Then I have a (mostly) (thankfully) quiet brigade of critics.  Those that don't agree with my wishy washy opinions on how to raise your child.  Those that don't like that I'm a working mother.  Those that don't understand why I'm not still breast feeding my 3 year old.  Those that don't think of me as much of a blogger at all, much less a writer.  Those that don't realize that I obsessively check my social media stats so often that I know the minute, if not the second that they have clicked "Unfollow" and that the dejected feeling of that action will follow me around for the entire day. If you asked those critics about my brand, about my business, they'd sniff their nose at the mere idea of it.  And of course, those are the ones I let in.  The ones that I allow to rid me of every creative idea I have.

This fills me with an anxiety that makes it literally impossible to put a sentence together.  It makes me so frightened to share what I have to share here.  It makes me doubt whether or not I deserve to attend any blogger function, to take sponsorship opportunities, to string together a sentence for the world to see at all.

So, sometimes when I go away - it is to find my voice.  Usually it just takes a few comments on my Better... post that will do it.  Or a great reader question. Or just some topic I just can't be quiet about. So, when I go away, that's when I need the support the most.

What I'm trying to say is - thank you, for doing just that. Sticking around with me even during times of silence.  For being one of the MANY people who "Liked" my Facebook page last week when I (shamelessly) mentioned I was a mere 19 followers away from 200. (I think my page got over 60 likes in just an hour.)  Sometimes that silly recognition is validating enough for me to shove this damn anxiety bug back down in its hole and start again fresh.

So, I guess thanks - thanks for always proving me wrong.

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