Slow down everyone, you're moving too fast...

Dear TIH,
I don't even try to hide the fact that I was not really a baby person before I became a mother.  Whenever I would hold a friend's baby before becoming a mother myself, it was as though the baby could sense I was uncomfortable and he or she would promptly scream their heads off.  Even in the first weeks of your life, every time I held your tiny little body close to mine, I was so scared that I was "doing it wrong," that I would "break" you somehow, that you also could sense I was really not any good at this.

On one such occasion, feeling the anxiety which was all too familiar in those days, I had finally gotten you to go to sleep in the middle of the day.  I looked down at the smallness of you and was dumbfounded how such a tiny little thing could be so overwhelming for me.  I felt a tear roll down my cheek and before I knew it, I was silently crying as I held you.  I felt like SUCH a failure.  And I whispered to you, "I'm sorry about all this.  I can't wait until you get bigger."

And, you did get bigger.
You grew and grew and grew.

You learned.  You walked and talked and did all of the things I was longing for when you were that tiny baby in my arms.

Photo credit: Rosser Photography

It all happened SO fast.
And today - you are four.

I love that you're growing.  Watching you grow is one of the great privileges of my life.  And, I love that we've gotten to grow together.  I got to grow from a sort of selfish woman who didn't really have any idea what it was like to take care of anyone else into someone else entirely.

Your mom.

Photo credit: Rosser Photography

So, thanks buddy.  Thanks for letting me watch you grow.  Thanks for teaching me in your little way to be the woman that I am today.

I know you're excited by how big you're getting and how much you're learning.  You tell us every day about the new "big boy" things you can do.  And truthfully, it breaks my heart a little bit.

Buddy, I have to tell you, it's not so scary for me that you're little anymore.  It's actually much scarier how fast the time is going.  So...if it isn't too much to ask - slow it down just a bit.

Because as it turns out, I can wait for you to be bigger.

Love,
Mommy

From this year's photo shoot with Rosser Photography.
Stephanie, I am forever indebted to you for these priceless and beautiful memories.

This is ourselves under pressure...

I often find myself crumbling under the weight of what it means to be a parent.  There is a lot of pressure in the world to be a good parent.  It starts long before you see those two little lines on a stick.

I think, it happens the first time you see or hear about a kid doing something and think - I'll never let my kids do that.  Or, the first time you see or hear about a parent doing something and think - That'll never be me.

For me, it's when I think of the sheer volume of things I'm expected to teach my son in the two-ish decades he will live under my roof.  Shapes, colors, words, concepts.  Manners, gratitude, respect, the difference between right and wrong.  Faith, hope, love.

It's overwhelming.  And the own pressure I put on myself, a perfectionist at heart, is enough for me to cry sometimes.

And then, there's this unachievable perfection that I feel we're sometimes held up to.
And mostly?  By other moms.

Stay home with your kids, don't let someone else raise them.
Send your kids to the best preschool so they are speaking 3 languages and doing long division by kindergarten.
Feed them only organic, gluten-free, local food.
Don't ever, under any circumstances, let them watch television.
Breastfeed them until they're five and do it on the cover of a magazine.
And, most recently, this:

Sigh.
Something else unattainable that we are now expected to do.
Mrs. Kang is gorgeous.  (Duh.)  She has three gorgeous kids.  She's the founder of a non-profit.  From what I gather via Facebook and the media storm that has followed her, she's a pretty impressive woman.
And yet, she's reduced herself to just this.
Another mom judging the rest of us for being too lazy and not good enough.

Something HAS to give.

If NMOTB stands for anything as a blog, it's just that we start accepting each other.  Because the anxiety of being a parent is hard enough as it is.  In fact, I've found it actually debilitating at times.  I don't know where to begin when I describe how earth shattering it can be to imagine you are in charge of another human's life and well being.  So, when I see stuff like that - I honestly get HULKRAGE-y about it and want to break my computer.

Why can't we just support each other?  Why do we need an "excuse" for anything we do as parents.  Neither of my parents had washboard abs - and yet, I still turned out okay.

In fact, I successfully managed to lose 50 lbs. this year and somehow, it didn't really change who I was as a parent at all.  (And my abs still don't look like that.)

And moreover, if I have any excuse for not looking like that, it's because sometimes (more times than not lately, actually) I skip my afternoon run so that I can start dinner and sit down to eat it with my family.  And because it just wouldn't look natural on me.

And because sometimes I look down at the stretch marks on my belly and the loose skin that I lovingly refer to as "a butt in the front" and it reminds me of the life I grew in there.  Of all of the little nudges and kicks I felt for all those months.

And that's when the anxiety isn't so bad.  Because it doesn't matter that I don't look like a swimsuit model.  Because I look like a mom.

photo credit: Rosser Photography

And I like that look better anyway.

I don't wanna become someone who can't live up to what I already done...

As many of you noticed, the last year has not exactly been a wealth of valuable blogging from NMOTB.  In fact, my blog was so silent, I did have people ask me if I had totally decided to give it up. I would usually say that I was in the midst of working on something (and sometimes I was), but for the most part, I actually was doing nothing for myself as a writer.

I wish I could say my time away from the blog was spent constantly generating new content.

In a way, I suppose it is what that time is spent doing.  I spent my time away from my blog just being a mom and literally developing new stories to tell you, new life lessons to share, and engaging in my general jackassery on social media in the meantime.

I often walk a fine line between being New Mom on the Blog - the writer and New Mom on the Blog - the MOM.  I see and admire so many women who are able to stare at a blank screen and fill it with words and content that actually generates feedback, income, notoriety.

I stare at a blank screen and freeze.

I realize that with every tweet, every post, every picture shared on Instagram, I am developing a persona who people may LOVE, or - who people may judge harshly.  I open myself up to that pain and judgment that is always lurking just below the surface.

I have a pretty incredible fan base just in friends and fellow mommies.  Those people lift me up.  Give me ideas for blogs.  Ask me questions.  Are proud to have their stories featured.  They understand that I am trying to build a brand, a business, and they are my most loyal patrons.  They understand that I absolutely adore being a mother, even if I don't spend my entire day at home with my kid.  Even if sometimes I write about the not-so-shiny moments of parenthood.  They get it. They've been there.  They want to hear more.

Then I have a (mostly) (thankfully) quiet brigade of critics.  Those that don't agree with my wishy washy opinions on how to raise your child.  Those that don't like that I'm a working mother.  Those that don't understand why I'm not still breast feeding my 3 year old.  Those that don't think of me as much of a blogger at all, much less a writer.  Those that don't realize that I obsessively check my social media stats so often that I know the minute, if not the second that they have clicked "Unfollow" and that the dejected feeling of that action will follow me around for the entire day. If you asked those critics about my brand, about my business, they'd sniff their nose at the mere idea of it.  And of course, those are the ones I let in.  The ones that I allow to rid me of every creative idea I have.

This fills me with an anxiety that makes it literally impossible to put a sentence together.  It makes me so frightened to share what I have to share here.  It makes me doubt whether or not I deserve to attend any blogger function, to take sponsorship opportunities, to string together a sentence for the world to see at all.

So, sometimes when I go away - it is to find my voice.  Usually it just takes a few comments on my Better... post that will do it.  Or a great reader question. Or just some topic I just can't be quiet about. So, when I go away, that's when I need the support the most.

What I'm trying to say is - thank you, for doing just that. Sticking around with me even during times of silence.  For being one of the MANY people who "Liked" my Facebook page last week when I (shamelessly) mentioned I was a mere 19 followers away from 200. (I think my page got over 60 likes in just an hour.)  Sometimes that silly recognition is validating enough for me to shove this damn anxiety bug back down in its hole and start again fresh.

So, I guess thanks - thanks for always proving me wrong.

Pump up the volume...

YAY!  I have another question to answer for my Advice for other New Moms column!
It has taken me awhile to answer this question because it has been over two years since I hung up my breast shields, so I had to really think about the method to that madness that I engaged in (happily) for my first year of being a working mom.  Here's what this New Mom wants to know:

You are a brave woman for putting your email address out there! {You have no idea - can I interest you in a flesh light?  I can forward you 3 dozen emails.} I just read your breastfeeding post.  Good for you for sticking with it!  I am 33 weeks pregnant and am already seriously doubting my abilities!  My question is, did you ever pump at work?  I work as a legal assistant for a very (very, very) small law firm.  I would like to at least pump for my little girl because I know the benefits (as well as it is soooo much cheaper which will be a plus while recovering from the financial loss from maternity leave.) {Preach.} But, I feel super uncomfortable with any of the pumping-at-work scenarios I have come up with in my head. {I had a private office and I still got walked in on once, so I hear ya.}  Hiding in the bathroom seems silly, but there are too many things that could go wrong with me just going into the empty office. What am I supposed to do, put a sign on the door that says "Milking in progress?" Awkward. {I personally prefer "Moooooove along, we're busy."}  Might I mention that my boss is a 60 year old man...  Anyway, I have also read blogs by women who have exclusively pumped for their chitlins.  One lady was saying she never used formula, but had to pump for 20-30 minutes every two hours.  TWO HOURS!!! MY boss will most certainly not be okay with that!  So, if you did pump at work, or know anyone that has, how did you/they do it?  I'm totally okay with pumping before work, during my lunch break, and then after work, but doesn't your body tell you when you need to pump?  And if you are used to breast feeding, won't said body need to be pumped more often?  As you can tell, I am totally clueless!  Thanks!  - Clueless FTM

Dear Clueless -

First things first, you are less "clueless" than you give yourself credit for.  You've clearly been thinking a lot about this and weighing your options. Congratulations.  You're a mom!  You'll never stop doing this as long as you live!  Whee!  (But, seriously, nice work.  You've got a lot more clues than you think.)

All of your questions are all totally valid. I was fortunate enough to not have to worry about a lot of this.  I had:

1. A private office with a lock and no windows
2. A co-worker who had pumped for 2 babies and was a wealth of knowledge
3. A female boss who may have been president of the local La Leche League chapter as encouraging as she was for me to breast feed/pump while working.
4.  Mostly female co-workers who were supportive of my pumping schedule, having breast fed themselves or who hoped to one day.
5.  A schedule I made mostly for myself.

I'm not telling you that to brag.  I'm telling you that to let you know that despite "having it made" in my first few weeks back to work, I was a wreck when it came to coming up with a plan to pump.

Breastfeeding in and of itself was a quite a feat for me, and the minute I thought I had the hang of that, it was time to add a piece of machinery to the mix?  Fugedaboutit.  I was a mess.

Here's how I did it.  I hope it works for you.

- I was honest from the beginning with my co-workers about my plans.  Sure, the conversations were uncomfortable (even with women and even with their support), but it would have been way more uncomfortable for me to try to have this conversation early rather than try to schedule it around my pumping schedule.  This went remarkably well.  Given my lag time on this response, you may already be on your maternity leave.  If that is the case, why not discuss your plans in an email?  I don't know what state you are in, but a lot of states have laws protecting your right to take breaks to pump.  The fact that you work with legal types actually bodes well for you in this case!  (Plus with an email there is a paper trail.  Eh?  Eh?  Just kidding.  You probably shouldn't eff around with lawyers, especially when they employ you.)  But, be up front.  You'll be glad you were.

- The week leading up to going back to work, I pumped as though my baby wasn't there and fed him the milk from the bottle.  It helped to have some extra milk around the house to get us started, so when I had changes in between feedings or if he slept through a feeding, I always pumped and froze the milk.  I knew The Incredible Hulk's feeding schedule and so every time he acted hungry (which was usually every two or three hours), I pumped and gave him a bottle of pumped milk instead.  This ended up being FOUR times a day.  That's a lot.  You yourself said you couldn't do this.  I'm with you.  That's impossible.  I knew I could finagle it for my first week back because my groups were still being covered, but past that?   I was a little concerned.

- I kept that up until I had to attend a training only a couple of weeks after returning to work.  Not only did I not have an office - I didn't even have a private bathroom or closet or corner to go to.  What I had was the backseat of my car, an electrical inverter that plugged into my cigarette lighter, a secluded parking lot, and a nursing cover.  No way was I going to do that four times a day.  Plus, with no breaks during this training, I was missing the training hours by going to pump in my car.  This was first time I cut out a pumping session.  Do you know what happened to my supply?  Nothing.  Sure, my breasts felt a little heavy by the time I rolled around to my (now cancelled) pumping session, but it wasn't anything I couldn't handle.  And it went away after the first day.

- This is when I decided to experiment.  I really wanted to get by with only two pumping sessions a day.  I was in a wedding around the time TIH was 3 months old, so I decided to experiment then.  Do you know what happened to my supply?  Nothing.  I was still able to yield the same amount of milk without any problems.

- I stuck to the two sessions a day (morning and afternoon) schedule for the rest of the year.  I was able to cut down to one session once TIH was around 9 months old.  I stopped pumping all together (and used frozen milk for during the day to feed him at the babysitter's house) when he was about 11 months old.  I just fed him before and after work (just as I had when I was doing 4 sessions) and always had enough milk for him.

Literally, I never had a single supply issue.  I might have just gotten lucky, but it is only recommended that you pump for your baby one time for every four hours you are away from her.  For most people, this means anywhere from 1-3 pumping sessions a day.  If you cut it close at the end of the day, you can always nurse your daughter at your childcare provider before you take her home with you.  This is completely acceptable and most providers are open to it!

You said you had a plan to pump in the morning before work, to pump during lunch, and to pump in the afternoon.  Listen, lady.  You've got it down!  You might be able to get by with only 1-2 of those sessions (eventually.)  The milk will evenly distribute itself among those feedings.  The key is staying relaxed, hydrated, and making sure you're eating enough.

At first, your body may need some adjustment time.  So, on your first day back use the best breast pads you can find and switch them out as often as necessary and dress in layers in case you have any leaking.  Your body will adjust faster than you can imagine.

If none of this is happening for you and you have trouble with supply, clogged ducts, mastitis, or discomfort in the first week, contact a friendly lactation consultant.  Lay out your situation for them.  Tell them what is realistic and what isn't realistic for you.  They will point you in the right direction.

In the future, I will post with more specifics about my daily pumping schedule and routines which may help you prepare when you return to work, but for now, rest assured that you are going to do GREAT especially if you can fit in the 1-3 pumping sessions you think you can do.  Best of luck to you.  Can't wait for an update to hear how it is all going.

And, if it doesn't go well?  You're still doing the right thing.  As long as your child is getting the nourishment she needs - the source really doesn't matter.

Well...almost.