This is how we do it now...

Here it is.  I teased it in my Five Stages of {Potty Training} Grief post.  (If you missed it, you can read it here.)

And now, as promised - this is what we did to potty train The Incredible Hulk.

As you'll remember from the aforementioned post, potty training did not happen overnight.  The only thing we remained consistent about was this methodology.  No matter what...even when we wanted to deviate...we remained consistent.  If you take nothing else away from this post, please take this - BE CONSISTENT.  Using the bathroom is a behavior. You are shaping that behavior.  The minute that you remove some of your own reinforcers or change them, the message gets lost in translation.  If Pavlov had switched from a bell to a siren, it would not have elicited the same response from his dogs.  So, unless what you are doing is truly not working (given multiple trials), stick with what you are doing.  Whatever method you're using, that's the most important thing.  Okay?  Write that down.  That part is important.

Next you'll need to gather some materials:

- A LARGE supply of underwear (Remember when you have a newborn and have no time or energy for loads of laundry so you buy 300 onesies so you only have to do laundry once a week instead of every time the baby spits up?  Same concept.)

- A chart (This doesn't have to be anything fancy, but I found a few free printable ideas on Pinterest.  You can find those here.)  I made our chart with a Sharpie and a piece of printer paper.

- Edible rewards (These can be used for both mom/dad and the kiddo.  Trust me, you'll need some reinforcement.  TIH's personal favorite was yogurt covered raisins.  Mommy preferred M&Ms.)

- Stickers (We seem to have an abundance of these around the house, but they can often be found in the dollar section at Target.  Again, it doesn't have to be something fancy.  A little drawing or a check mark would work too.)

- A large plastic tub or bucket (Any size will do, but you want to be able to fill it with a supply of small toys to "earn" throughout potty training sessions.)

- A multitude of small toys (I raided the clearance section at Target, the dollar store, bought coloring books, crayons, small treats - whatever works for your kid.  The first toy TIH chose was a 50 cent plastic snake.  Seriously. It can be anything.)

- Cleaning supplies (Because...well, let's be honest.)


Okay, now you have your materials.  Now here's the plan.

This is a working mom friendly blog, right?  Not all working moms get 2 weeks of vacation at a time.  I happened to get exactly that.  I truly feel this could be done over a long weekend or the matter of a few days, but that's going to be a game time decision for you.  I knew TIH would need a bit more time.  So, use what time you have.  This is best completed with some nice one on one time.  Parents with more than one kid at home?  Chances are you're better at this than me, but you might need someone else to help you out with the other kiddo.  The potty training kid needs some undivided attention.  Or, just be ready to clean up some messes.  And that's okay too.  Momming is messy.

So, my first step was waiting until my vacation was coming up.  The weeks before the vacation, when TIH came home from school, we would immediately change him into underwear from his diaper.  This was to encourage him to pay attention to the signals of when he had to go to the bathroom.  This actually didn't go too bad.  He would have accidents, but it appeared he started to learn when it was going to happen and would try to make to the bathroom.  Once we had all of that in place, we started the actual plan.

(Again, there is lots of poop talk to follow...so, there you go.)

1.  We woke up on a Monday morning and put him in underwear.  I said to him over and over again, "If you have to go potty, what do you say?"  TIH would say, without fail, "Mommy?  I have to go potty."  He repeated it like a script.

2.  Every time he sat on the potty he got 1 edible.  Whether or not anything happened.  Always 1 edible for sitting.  If he had an accident prior to sitting, he still would get the M&M (or yogurt raisin).  The M&M reinforces the sitting and trying.  So whether or not he is successful, we still want the behavior of sitting to continue.  Make sense?  (You can thank my BCBAs.)

3.  Every time he successfully went pee in the toilet, he got 1 sticker on his chart.  He also got 3 edibles.  The reason for the edible is the instant gratification factor.  The sticker is a delayed reinforcement system.  So he needed something immediate to reinforce the behavior, but also needed something to work towards.

4.  Every time he successfully went poop in the toilet (eventually...this part was an uphill battle), he got 2 stickers on his chart.  I went back and forth on how I felt about this.  It seemed to me that giving the poop more weight, may actually increase his anxiety about doing it on the potty.  I'm still not totally sure it didn't do exactly that.  But, it was a plan and instead we decided to remain consistent.  He still got the 3 edibles as well.

5.  When he earned 5 stickers on his chart, he would get to pick a prize from the tub of toys.  I labeled the plastic toy tub with a smiley face and put a smiley face at the end of the five stickers as a reminder of what he was working for.  All I had to do was count the stickers he had earned and then point to the smiley face and he would say "I get ANOTHER TOY!"  This part went REALLY well.  I knew it was working when he would try to earn toys faster by sitting on the potty for a second, doing nothing, and saying "I get a sticker!"  He didn't get a sticker (only if he actually went), but I knew that by "faking" it he was enjoying working for the toys, stickers, and edibles.

6.  If he did both at the same time, we gave him 3 stickers.  But always just 3 edibles.  Those were our rules.  You can make your own.  As long as you stick to the same plan every time.

The great thing about this plan was that it could travel.  I could bring a plastic baggy of M&Ms and his sticker chart with us.  He could pick out a toy when he got home if he earned it while we were gone.  Being mobile definitely helped to relieve the "trapped" feeling I had in the initial days of potty training. Also, there was always LOTS AND LOTS of verbal praise.  Never enough verbal praise.  We were hoarse from screaming "YAY PEE PEE ON THE POTTY!!!" by the end of the week.  It's okay.  Keep it up.  They love that stuff almost as much as they love the stickers and chocolate.


When it was time for him to return to school, we kept all of this up at home.  Since we got a report of any accidents while at school, every time he came home without any accidents, he would automatically get a toy (we assumed he had at least 5 successful trips to the potty while at school.)  As soon as he got home we just started up again with his sticker chart.  Once he had earned several toys and gone through several sticker charts, we upped the ante a bit.  He had to now earn 10 stickers for a prize.  Eventually (within a couple of months) we were able to fade all of this (except for the verbal praise, that will never end) and still have success on the potty.

Where we stand now is that he hasn't had a single accident in about a week.  In recent times, when we have had accidents, it has been because he is distracted or too busy.  We are usually able catch him in the act and still make him go to the toilet.  Followed by lots of positive praise for trying.

I can't give TIH's preschool enough props.  Very quickly, his teachers were able to pick up on his cues and knew they sometimes had to push him to try the potty even when he adamantly refused.  Plus lots of praise.  Because they're awesome like that.

So, that's that.  Please feel free to email me your questions.  I can help you troubleshoot.  Or, I can tell you which box of wine yields the most glasses and which carpet cleaner gets stains and smells out the best.  It's all relevant.

Privilege to pee...

As I mentioned in my return post, I decided in June to use my two weeks of summer break to once and for all attempt to potty train The Incredible Hulk.  I promise that I will give you a post about our methodology (UPDATE, you can find that here), but the only thing you really need to know is who your kid is and what works for them.  Sure, I read up on some blogs and books and consulted my friendly BCBAs at work, but in truth, I just know TIH.  In fact, some days, that's all I know.

The other thing you need to consider before you embark upon this potty training adventure is the wide range of emotions you will experience along the way.  And, given my background in therapy, I was able to see a pattern of sorts.

This post will feature some frank discussion of poop, so if you're not into that sort of thing, you probably have never potty trained someone before.  Good for you.

No.  Really. Good. For. You.

The 5 Stages of {Potty Training} Grief

Denial
For me, this stage started a year ago when some of my friends successfully potty trained their children who were similar in age to TIH.  I tried to blame it on gender differences, TIH's lack of vocabulary, our tumultuous year, and pretty much anything I could think of to get me out of the idea that I would have to one day teach another person to defecate in a specific location.  His school gave him opportunities (most of which were successful) to try the potty.  But, at home, he was pretty darn happy in his diaper and I was pretty darn happy for him to be in his diaper.  (This coming from someone who once sobbed when she realized how many diapers she changed in a single day.)  Denial continued when we started trying him out in his underpants and he would wet them almost every time.

"Oh, maybe we should try after he turns 3."

"I don't want to push him and give him some sort of Freudian complex." (This coming from someone who has never enjoyed the complexities of misogynistic psychodynamic theory.)

"Our wood floors will never be the same."

Eventually, I realized I just had to jump right into it.  I had two weeks off of school and I kept him home with me for most of those two weeks.  Using the methodology I developed mostly from some educated guesswork, I got him to finally stop saying "I want to wear my diapers FOREVER!" and we were officially potty training.  We had three successful trips to the potty and I was on top of the world.

Anger
After some successful trips to the potty and a nap (wearing a Pull-Up, I'm not insane), TIH woke up, happy to put back on his big boy underpants.  And then, while we were playing, I saw him get a familiar look.  I said, "Do you have to go to the bathroom?" and he said "I NEED MY DIAPER."  What followed involved throwing little boy underpants in the trash can and an accent rug that I'll never be able to look at the same way.  I can't say I was angry at TIH.  He was new at this and we sort of sprung it on him..  But, I was really angry at myself.  Angry for not starting sooner.  Angry for starting so soon.  Angry for not having a degree in behavioral analysis.  Anger at poop in general.  The same person that at one time hated changing diapers, REALLY hated cleaning up accidents.  There were tears.  Both from me and TIH. He yelled at me a lot.  He really did not want to do this.  And he begged me...A LOT for his diaper.  I channeled my anger in healthy ways (like eating large handfuls of potty training M&Ms), but it was still very difficult to come home knowing that I would likely have to clean up another mess.  I also knew that we could not go backward by giving in and putting him in a diaper.  And that, made me more angry than anything else.

Bargaining
After one successful trip at "dropping the kids off at the pool" I started to feel a lot more confident about our abilities to conquer the potty training beast.  TIH did NOT feel the same.  He was still very much in the anger phase of "putting his poop in the potty," and avoided it at all costs.  This did include me physically lifting him onto the toilet SEVERAL times when I KNEW he was trying to go in his pants.  (For those of you well-versed in bathroom independence, I KNOW, I KNOW, but I could NOT clean another mess up off of my floors.  I couldn't.)  And with all of this assistance, it still rarely yielded results.

This is when I began to bargain with him.  I say bargain, but what I really mean is shamelessly BRIBING him to go on the potty.  Forget the behavior system I had so carefully worked out.  (I promise, I will share that with interested parties in the near future.)  Forget the fact that I do not have a million dollars.  I would have given it to him if he would just crap in the toilet.

I offered him a bike.  I offered him a scooter.  I offered him an entire economy-sized bag of M&Ms.  I said I would give him anything he wanted.  What TIH said was, "I want a plunger."  I said, "What color?"  He thought about it and said, "Yellow."  Check my Google history.  I SEARCHED FOR A FREAKING YELLOW PLUNGER.  (Also, can we talk about how apropos that gift would have been?  Didn't matter.  He pooped his pants like 3 minutes later.)

Depression
The feeling I got at this point was akin to the moment that I realized I changed 12 diapers in not as many hours.  It is overwhelming knowing that someone is depending on you for such a basic need while you are forsaking many of your own basic needs (sleep, showering, eating, etc.)  Except that diapers can contain the mess for a little while and cotton Mickey Mouse briefs cannot.  I felt very trapped in our home.  I felt like if we went to the store or even for a walk to the playground, there was a possibility of having to clean up a mess in a public place.  (Which sort of reminded me of my fears of going out into the public while breastfeeding and not wanting to do that in public.)

That isolated feeling made me feel quite depressed.  TIH was bored of our four walls and lost interest in the toys/stickers he was earning almost as soon as he earned them.  At this point, it was difficult even to celebrate the successful trips to the potty because I always dreaded if the next one would end up being another accident to clean up.

(I know, I'm really selling it on this potty training thing.  Don't you all want to run out and do this now?!)

Acceptance
Fortunately, I made my way through the depression stage quickly (years of experience, perhaps) and accepted that we had attempted this too early and that he would need to return to wearing a diaper. I reluctantly renewed my Subscribe & Save order from Amazon.com and went for a run to clear my mind.  And while I was gone, I got a text from my husband:

"WE HAVE A POOP."

TIH, finally accepting that the diapers were gone for good, told his daddy that he needed to use the potty and went poop all by himself.

They say that the day you have your kids is the best day of your life.  They're wrong.  For me, it was when we took a celebratory trip into the city and my kid asked me to go potty and was able to go by himself in the small closet that barely resembles a bathroom on the train.  (Dude, I'm almost 30 and that is still hard for me to navigate.)  In fact, he was able to remain dry for our entire trip to the city - utilizing a variety of bathrooms (the train station, a restaurant, a tree in Millennium Park...).


So, that's our story.  Methodology to come, but don't get caught up in all of that.  I say, with sage wisdom, it will happen eventually.  I can't promise that your journey through this madness will go the same way or have such a happy ending, but I can tell you that however you do get there - you're going to need a lot of Clorox wipes.

I've been everywhere, man...

Oh, hey.

Let's just avoid all awkwardness and the obvious fact that the last post on this blog wasn't even written by ME (as well as the fact that it was posted in May) and pretend like it never happened.

Great.

I mean, before I could even write this post, I deleted at least 100 spam comments that got through in my absence, so it's not like there wasn't new content being generated.  Plus, I have several interested sponsors to sell things like bidets and psychic readings.  (As well as some sort of flash light, but the website made me feel uncomfortable, so I'm not sure that one will work out.)

In other words, I've hit the big time in the world of blogging.

What have I been doing?  I'm glad you asked.  I'll make a list.  I'm good at lists.

1.  Running!  I finally took my own advice and started running.  And then I became one of those annoying people that posts about it on Facebook all of the time and obsessively looks at her MapMyRun routes.  Please feel free to follow me on Instagram so you can see more screen captures of my running stats than you would ever care to see.  So far, I've run in two organized events (5Ks) with hopes to do more as well as maybe run more than 3 miles at a time some day.  I'm not destined for marathons, but I absolutely love the way I feel before, after, and during a good run.  I finally know what everyone has been talking about.  (Shut up, Amanda.)

2.  I went from reading lots of books in a year to reading one in a 4 month period (and it was one of the Harry Potter books) so I joined a book club with girlfriends from work.  It has been fantastic and those girls can read way faster than me, so keeping up has cut into valuable blogging time.  (Not that I am complaining - every book has been fantastic.)

3.  We have a few free months of Showtime right now and I have chosen to watch as many seasons of Dexter as I can before it gets taken away.  If anyone has a problem with that, I now know how to murder all of you and pretty much get away with it, so I would shut it.

4.  Exploring our new city has been one of the most exciting parts of this summer.  Sure, we're doing a lot of touristy-type things (prior to living here, I'd been to Chicago three times and two of them were before I was even ten years old.)  I'm learning which pizza places are my favorite, which train lines I need to take to get where, and just breathing in every aspect that I can.  I love it here.  LOVE IT.  (St. Louis, you are still home and I love you too.  I can love lots of places.)  When I found out we were moving, I adopted this mantra - joy is where you are - and so all of this has been an exercise in making this new place our home.  Sometimes I feel like I'm cheating on my family and friends back in St. Louis, but mostly, I feel joy.  Who knew I'd love living right smack dab in the middle between a cornfield and a skyscraper.  Talk about balance.  So, joy is where I are.  Or am.  Whatever.

6.  Oh, yes.  I decided to battle this one just before The Incredible Hulk turned 3.  We have been mostly* successful.  (* - I still clean my fair share of poo out of little boy briefs.  We're working on it.  I am really proud of him.)  I can't wait to share with all of you my methodology as well as my general NMOTB comedy, but I just have to sit down and write it.  It's coming.  I promise.

7.  It isn't as though I am new to Pinterest (and I have over 3000 pins to prove that), but lately I've been very interested in cooking for my family and figuring out a way for us to lead a healthier lifestyle through the food we eat.  And doing all of it on a budget.  Everyone has different ideas of what the word "healthy" means, but for me it means eating mostly produce, whole grains, and a variety of foods that involve the least amount of processing as possible.  (Or, if I'm tired, a bowl of sugary cereal or a hot dog - because I like to keep it real.)  For awhile, I've been posting info about my monthly meal planning on my personal Facebook, and I've since been encouraged to share that here.  In truth, meal planning is something REALLY important to New Moms.  Being willing to throw that plan out the window and order a pizza is really important too.  So, I'll do my best.  I am going to try out a few new recipes a month (and I'll be sharing them on the blog), I recycle ones that work (you can find those on this board mostly), add in a few easy go-tos, as well as some tried and true family recipes (those will never be shared, but you're welcome to try to figure them out...)  Think I'm doing it wrong?  You're probably right.  But, my family never goes to bed hungry, so there's that...



Other than that, I've been singing, sewing, grocery shopping, cleaning...damn, it's a good thing I don't play Bridge, I sound like a housewife from the 50s.

But, mostly, what I've been doing is really and truly enjoying life.  Maybe it's the trips to the city.  Maybe it's the beautiful weather.  Maybe it's just the fact that life (while not totally free from struggle and stress and sadness) has been in a delightful state of stasis after a year which was far from it.  I think back to where I was one year ago and my eyes fill with tears of gratitude over that time of uncertainty being over.  (Not to say that you're ever fully free from uncertainty, but at least that period in particular is over.)  So, enjoying life it is.  Doing the ordinary mom-type things that develop content for this blog and also eat up all of my time to put it on paper (or, rather - screen.)

For that, I am grateful.  Now, if you'll excuse me - I have a list full of posts to write.

Let the fear take the wheel and steer...

Before this post gets underway, I wanted to make a quick clarification about the Pampers giveaway.  This being NMOTB's first giveaway (though there will be more, I hope!), I think I did a bad job of explaining the rules of the giveaway.  Each comment you make on the blog (whether it be to tell me you follow me on Facebook/Pinterest, be your awesome sleep advice - I'm learning so much! - or your bonus entry for today) counts as one entry for the giveaway.  So, if you liked me on Facebook or Pinterest (thank you!) in order to enter the giveaway you need to leave a comment so that it can be counted for an entry.  If you already followed me on Facebook/Pinterest, you must also still leave a comment stating so.  I am terrible at explaining things without being wordy, so I blame the confusion on me and you're probably even more confused now.  Ideally, you will be able to enter the contest up to three times (So, three comments on the giveaway post - one with your sleep advice, one stating if you follow me on Pinterest, and one with your guess about today's bonus question.  Additionally, you must "like" New Mom on the Blog on Facebook to qualify you if you win.  You don't have to leave an additional comment stating so.)  Phew.  No wonder it's so confusing.  I'm terrible at this.

Though we have yet to experience them, I have several friends who have told me about their struggles with a very unsettling phenomenon known commonly as "night terrors." 

It's like a bad dream on steroids except that you'll never know what made your little one scream like a banshee in the middle of the night (nor will they).  In truth, since we haven't experienced them, I don't even know that much about them myself, so I was super excited when I received an email with someone who was interested in writing her solution for night terrors that worked like a charm.  This particular person is someone who has raised two wonderful children into adulthood and lives an amazingly healthy lifestyle (one which I modeled some of my own weight loss after).  She also happens to be my mother's twin sister and more importantly - my godmother.

Oh, AND, did I mention? She's gorgeous.

So here is what my Aunt Patty has to share with us.  And, make sure you don't miss the end of the post where I tell you what you can do for another chance at the Pampers Giveaway!

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From the day she was born, my amazing daughter, Katie, has thrived on rituals.  She still does to this day, 23 years later.  When she was a three-year-old little girl, she and I had to go through the exact same routine every night before she would settle down to sleep.  After her bath, we would read exactly three books, no more, no less.  We said the exact prayers in the exact order.  Then I was required to tuck her beloved teddy bear and water baby into the exact spots around her and give her the exact number of kisses on her sweet, little nose.  And finally, before closing the bedroom door, we would need to say the exact goodnight words, always ending with, “I love you so, so much.” 

Finally it was time for my own ritual, when I would have a little time for myself to relax before climbing into bed and falling into a deep sleep.  But without fail I would be abruptly awakened by Katie’s desperate screams.  I would rush up the stairs and into her room to find her in a completely different state than I had left her just a few hours earlier.  Sweating and breathing heavily, Katie would be staring wild-eyed into space, sobbing and screaming, speaking incoherently.  I tried everything to help calm her.  I tried soothing her with gentle words, then reasoning with stern ones.  I tried applying cold washcloths to her face to snap her out of it.  I tried holding her, only to be pushed away.  Every attempt to soothe or rouse her was useless.  All I could do was stand by helplessly, waiting until she eventually calmed on her own and she fell back into a peaceful sleep.

Luckily, Katie had no recollection of these terrors in the morning.  But I did.  I was exhausted and becoming increasingly frustrated and hopeless.  I felt guilty for the misplaced anger I had towards my small daughter, who had absolutely no control over these episodes.  I felt like a failure as a mother for my inability to help calm my terrified child.  Was it my mothering technique?  Was I doing something wrong?

I was becoming more and more desperate as the nightly terrors continued over the following year.  Finally I reached out for help from Katie’s pediatrician.  I described the episodes in detail and he explained that as long as she was in no danger of harming herself, it was okay to do nothing.  He assured me that Katie would eventually outgrow them.  After that I turned to parenting books and had some insight into other parents’ experiences with night terrors and had a few tips on how to handle the episodes.  The advice was mostly to not interrupt and let the terror run its course.  But I was not going to just stand by and witness my daughter’s nightly terrors.  And I did not want to wait until my daughter outgrew them.  These night terrors were entirely too disruptive in our household so I continued to search for help.

One day, I mentioned Katie’s ongoing night terrors to Jane, the owner of my favorite bookstore.  Surprisingly, Jane happened to have a friend who not only had a child with the same problem, but also had solved it.  She gave me her friend’s number, which I called immediately.  Jane’s friend was a complete godsend.  Her advice was so, so simple, but it changed everything.

She told me she would get her daughter out of bed about an hour or two after she fell asleep.  She would guide her to the bathroom, set her on the toilet, and then help her get back into bed.  She said her daughter never really woke up and would go right back to sleep.  It was that simple.  I gave her advice a try that night and it worked!  Katie’s night terrors completely stopped and our whole house could sleep soundly through the night.  I repeated this routine for about a year until slowly easing off.  She never experienced a night terror again. 

Today, Katie has a different set of nighttime rituals.  They do not include her beloved teddy bear or water baby.  And I no longer read to her or tuck her into bed and help her say her prayers.  But one ritual has not changed:  we never go to sleep without telling each other those exact same words, “I love you so, so much.”

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It is of course at this point that I share with you that the obvious reason we haven't experienced this phenomenon yet is most likely because we haven't potty trained.  So, just one more thing to look forward to.  Yay...

Feel free to ask more questions about night terrors or about this possible solution.  I'm sure Aunt Patty will be happy to ask them!

And now, the bonus round!  For one more bonus entry in Friday's giveaway: hop on over to the original post and name the connection between the subject of this post and the lyrics I used for its title.  (Your answer doesn't have to be correct in order for your entry to count, so give it a try!)  The giveaway will close tomorrow, May 2 at 7:00 pm CDT, so get all of your entries squared away before then!