The beauty of uncertainty...

On Friday, I bounded out to my husband's car to collect The Incredible Hulk out of his car seat and immediately rummaged through his backpack to see what precious little artwork he carried home with him.  The crafty wannabe in me lives for the moments when I get to see his adorably created art projects covered in tempera paint and macaroni.

Instead.  I found this:

(Upper left corner.  TIH drew himself a sister.)

Sigh.

Here's the thing.  This has been on my mind a lot lately.  I have this interesting and notable twinge when I see a little face peeking up from a pumpkin seat in the grocery store.  I spent an above average time sifting through little sleepers with adorable footies on them the other day.  Right now, babies smell to me like baby powder and happiness and that is ALWAYS a telling sign.

TIH has also (clearly) become obsessed with the idea of having a sister recently.  He talks about it a lot and has elaborate plans for how they will play together.  ("She will go down the slide at the playground. Sisters are so silly!")  He has thus far neglected to realize that his sister will probably take away a lot of his wealth of parental attention, will rob his family blind in childcare costs, and will also likely steal his toys when she is old enough.  His rose-colored-glasses outlook is adorable.  Really. And, all joking aside?  He's going to make an excellent big brother.  Someday.

As much as these superficial things are giving me that familiar itch lately, I just know in my very core that right now is not the right time.  Last year's move was earth shattering (a point I have clearly belabored here and must do so again).  But, it was earth shattering.  And, not just emotionally, but in every possible way - physically, financially, mentally...and all of these things combined with the fact that I maybe, sort of, had a really, really tough time right after TIH was born does not a good situation make.  (It also makes horrendous, poorly punctuated run-on sentences so I am in no place right now to be a mother of two.  Obviously.)

Listen, I know that I was put on this planet to be a mother to TIH.  And somewhere, deep inside, I know that (God willing), I am to be a mother to TIH and his sibling(s?)  Someday.  Not now.  But, someday.

I am really and truly enjoying TIH at this age.  I am loving that he has all of our attention right now (and any of you who have ever raised a 3 year old know that they don't give a crap how they get your attention - they're going to get it!)  Part of me is happy to be able to be undivided for him right now.

When we had TIH, it was a very carefully calculated decision.  We knew that it was a good time in our life to have a baby.  We felt ready (I say "felt" because we soon learned that no matter how ready you "feel," it's still going to rock your world when you do become parents).  And, truly, becoming parents was the best thing to ever happen to us.

I know we will have that feeling again.

I know it when I see a mother rubbing the swell of her belly knowing that she's feeling little kicks and nudges while doing so.  I know it when I kiss the sweet, soft skin of a newborn and breath in that gorgeous smell.  I know it when I look at TIH, at the little boy he has become, as a I watch all signs of the baby he once was melt away, and I see what a miracle and a blessing kids are.

So, maybe it's not right now.  Maybe it's still a few years off.  And who knows what the future has in store for us.  But, I'm sure excited to find out what it is like to be a bigger family.

Someday.

The only way to really know...

The number two seems to be a common theme in the world of mommy blogs these days.
I read several blogs whose writers are expecting their second child.
And several who have written posts about planning for number two or thinking about number two.

Let me put it out there for the world to see - The Incredible Hulk will be an only child for a very long time.  I am not ready.  My husband?  I'm sure he's totally ready.  He's brave (and by "brave," I mean, "insane"), but until he figures out how to grow things in his uterus, he will patiently wait.

I have no plan for my life in that way.  I'm a natural planner in every aspect of my life (not to be mistaken with a "natural family planner" because, make no mistake, I am not that) EXCEPT for when it comes to how many kids I want to have and when I want to embark upon having them.
At some point in my life, I said I wanted to be finished having kids before I was 30.
Now, as I steadily approach the age of 28 and haven't yet had a single urge to have more kids - that statement makes me laugh at myself.

We got married on October 4, 2008.  On October 5, 2008, my husband was completely ready to have a baby.  I held him to this strict "No, we are waiting two years, mister, get away from me" rule and went about our blissful first year of marriage.

The following fall, I made the brave decision to accomplish a different "before I turn 30" goal and started grad school.  I was only a few weeks into class, when my music and rehabilitation professor did a lecture about music therapy with babies in the NICU.  It was frightening, hearing her talk about all of the things that could go wrong in a pregnancy and in delivery, and about these fragile little lives fighting to stay alive in the NICU.

Interestingly enough, this was the moment I decided I was ready to become a mother.

Here I was, only 25 and (besides perpetually needing to shed a few pounds) - very healthy.  I had none of the risk factors associated with a high-risk pregnancy.  So, what was I waiting for?  To become high-risk?

Before that moment, when people would ask "When are you two going to start having kids?" I would first think terrible thoughts about them in my head (because that is no one's flipping business) and then I would answer, "I don't know.  I'm just waiting for that moment when I know it's right."

That's really exactly what happened.  I just knew.

And so, I think that's how it's going to be with number two.  Someday, something (or nothing) will happen and I'll just say,"Okay.  Let's do it."

It isn't to say I don't smile when I see pregnant lady woman rub her belly when she has obviously just felt a kick.
It isn't to say I don't look back at TIH's pictures when he was a little guy and feel a certain sense of longing.
It isn't to say that I don't think about possible names or that dreamy newborn smell (well, the dreamy non-poop newborn smell.)

It is to say I've got a whole lot of sleep to catch up on and a little guy who still doesn't always want to sleep for 8 whole hours in a row.  That I am really enjoying TIH's current phase of discovery and (sometimes too much) independence.  That I already feel like I miss out on enough of his life, so I don't want to complicate the matter with a whole other person to distract me.

So for now, we are happily a family of three.

Oops.  Sorry, Lido.
Family of four.