I want it all...

Disclaimer: I'm doing something on the blog that I've never done before and never planned to do.  I am responding to another post that recently enraged me.  There is nothing overtly wrong with what the author says, and she clearly comes from a supportive place.  She is right.  Our culture could do more to support breast feeding.  But, she has some pretty radical view points (most of which are derived from her psychoanalytic background, and lemme tell ya, this behaviorist ain't buying it), and as a breastfeeding mother human being, I am completely offended.  This is only my response to her view points by expressing my own.  I am not out to attack, berate, or other wise demonize this woman.  That said?  She pissed. me. the. frack. off.

I had a rule when I started this blog that I wouldn't make the entire thing about breast feeding.  In truth, the topic did seem to be integrated into every aspect of the first year of being a new mom.  Now that we've closed that chapter, I really thought I could move on. (I have a guest post coming up about the topic, but other than that I've been planning to write about other things.)

I have to admit, I'm terrible at social networking lately.  I skim through my Twitter feed as best I can, but most of the time I don't truly digest anything and I rarely click on links (even though my tweeps always have awesome things to share.)  But, for some reason, the link above caught my attention.  Honestly, I wish I could have gone without reading it.  Because I am just floored by how judgmental this opinion is.

It is a difficult and selfless thing to decide to become a parent.  No matter HOW you decide to go about it.  We make excruciating decisions about the silliest little things and are all constantly scared that the decision was the right/wrong one.

One decision I never struggled with was my decision to be a working mother after I had The Incredible Hulk.  I was encouraged (by a wonderful and supportive boss) to take as much maternity leave as humanly possible (even beyond what FMLA would allow.)  She even was willing to allow me to come back part-time at first if that would work better for my family.  It didn't. It wouldn't. And it doesn't.

I have always known that being a stay at home mom would never work for me.  Money, sanity, and the fact that I love what I do has always made the decision easy.  I have had some people be very loving, accepting, and encouraging in my decision to be a working mom (some of whom were working moms themselves, some of whom weren't.)  I've also had people be very judgmental, condescending, and not at all supportive of that choice.  Perhaps it is those experiences with people which made me even more, shall we say, prickly about this article.

Listen, I haaaaaaaaaaaated pumping.  Hated it.  But, parenting - no - life is about sacrifice.  I wanted/had to work.  I wanted to breast feed.  So, I pumped.

No, it isn't the perfect substitute.  And yes, some studies (though there is still very much to know about the science of breast milk) suggest that the mechanism of breast feeding is as important as the composition of the milk itself.  However, the author states that to be a breast feeding mother is to be "exquisitely attuned" to your baby's needs and patterns of feeding.  She then further suggests that substituting a pump for a breast would cause you to miss out on the "building blocks of an intimate relationship with one's child."

To make this suggestion is not only judgmental - it's just plain wrong.

If this were the truth, the relationship between my son and I wouldn't have reached it's full potential.
If this were the truth, the relationship between any formula-feeding mom and her child would not be "intimate."
If this were the truth, the relationship between my son and his father would be almost non-existent up to this point.
If this were the truth, any set of parents who have ever adopted a child or used surrogacy would not be able to have a relationship with their child.

Enraged yet?
Yeah, me too.

You know what, folks?  She's wrong.  She's just wrong.  Breast feeding mothers do have a unique bond with their children.  You know why?  Because all parents have a unique bond with their children.  It doesn't matter where you come from or how you do it - you're always going to be tied to that little life you are so so so lucky to be a part of.  To suggest that a mother who gives her child a bottle (whether it be all of the time or some of the time) is less of a parent is...misguided at best.

Do I wish I had the option for additional paid maternity leave?  Heck yeah.  It also would have been awesome not to have to dip into my own vacation time in order to take as much maternity leave as I did (because Lord knows that is not a vacation.)  It's awesome that this woman is trying to lobby for that.  But leave the attachment I have to my son out of it.

If the government allowed me to take a year (even a year where they paid my full salary and benefits), I still wouldn't have done it.

And that doesn't make me a bad mother.
On the contrary - I think knowing my limits, knowing what works for me and my family, and knowing what I'm willing to do and where I draw the line?

That makes me a great mother.

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