As a first-time (and hopefully to someday be, second-time) mom, I'm frequently weighed down by the overwhelming amount of lessons I am responsible to teach to my son. So, I recently started writing down the ones that were really important to me. I imagine this list will continue to grow. And perhaps, the things that I find to be super important right now, won't be the things I emphasize when TIH is much older...but for now...these are the things I really want my child to know.
Wear sunscreen. Wear a helmet. Wear your seatbelt. Look both ways before crossing the street. Don't run on the pool deck.
Among the rudest things you can tell a person is that they look "tired."
Don't yuck anyone else's yum. This is a lesson that starts in our house with food and goes all the way up to someone's religion.
That being said, it really is okay to disagree with someone. And if someone makes you feel bad about your disagreement, it's probably more about them than you.
I truly think you can say almost anything you need to say if you can be kind with your words.
You should always, always, always try to be kind with your words.
In practically every situation, you should respect the word "no" and the people who use it. Expect the same from the people you surround yourself with.
Validation does not mean agreement. You don't have to agree with anyone, but you should validate their reality at every step.
You will learn more if you are friends with people who are different from you.
Be yourself. It is better to be hated for something you are than loved for something you're not.
Food nourishes the body, mind, and soul. Eat well.
You are no better than any other person on this planet.
If it's "elite," you probably don't want to be a part of it.
The uncomfortable conversation you avoid having by not expressing anger directly is far less painful than letting that anger eat you alive.
Class is about making people feel comfortable around you. Class is an attribute that should never be assigned to material things.
Be nice to your server. To the clerk at the grocery store. To the barista at Starbucks. To everyone you meet. Treat others not just how you want to be treated - treat them even better than that.
Some of the most important words to have in your vocabulary: Please. Thank you. Excuse me. You're right, I'm wrong. I'm sorry.
Do something that scares you every once in awhile. Don't enjoy life from the sidelines. But, if something feels wrong or scary or like a bad idea in your gut - listen to that little voice.
We hope to be lucky enough to get you gifts for every Christmas, for birthdays, and sometimes gifts "just because." We really hope you enjoy them, but I truly hope you remember and cherish more about those special days than the gifts. Those occasions are not about the presents.
Believe in something. I sure hope it's God, but even if it isn't, I hope you believe in whatever it is with all of your heart.
Don't litter. Recycle. Carpool. Prevent forest fires. Leave the planet better than you found it.
Be generous with what you are given and with what you earn.
Never underestimate the power of a sincerely written "thank you" note. Gratitude is an incredibly important (and often underrated) virtue.
Around the time that I wrote this post, I received some follow up questions from some mommy friends of mine. Their questions were quite valid, especially since I know both of them have kiddos around The Incredible Hulk's age, but quite honestly - it was really hard to answer.
Basically, the questions were about picky eaters and what to do if your child was refusing food.
Sigh.
Despite my best efforts at home, TIH does not have the best repertoire of food. We serve him everything that we eat and I have a pretty strict rule about not making more than one dinner to appease my kid. But, he still refuses a lot of the food in front of him most nights.
We continue to demand "No thank you bites" and encourage him to not call any sort of food "gross" or "yucky." But, he still leaves much of his plate untouched at dinner.
TIH on a night where he decided he hated pasta, chicken, and tomatoes. Great.
The advice that our pediatrician gave us from the beginning when we started feeding TIH real food instead of baby food/breastmilk was, "Feed him what you eat. If he refuses, don't provide an alternative and especially don't provide him junk food as an alternative." I try very very very very hard to do that. But, I'm a mom. I have a genetic makeup that tells me that ABOVE ALL THINGS, I must feed the tiny human living in my house. So, I'll admit. Sometimes if he doesn't eat a great dinner, I find myself making him a snack at the end of the night (usually something healthy, but still with a large sense of a defeat).
I think the other thing that is baffling to me is that he actually likes a wide array of food - green beans are his favorite vegetable and he eats them first if they are on his plate - but that he will sometimes refuse things that most kids love (like, chicken - unless it is in nugget form.) I also will get daily sheets home from preschool saying that he ate every bite of his gyro or asked for seconds on his stir fry or munched away on cucumbers at snack time. It's times like this I get the distinct impression that TIH refuses food at home just because he can.
Two and three year olds are (often frustratingly) independent and this might just be another way to express that independence. It's maddening at times and makes me positive that he'll starve to death - but I'm pretty sure it's normal. Here's our method to this madness. It's by no means the best way to do it (obviously, dinnertime can be a battle zone sometimes, and I only have ONE kid to deal with), but it tends to ameliorate some of the typical food refusal issues.
1. I meal plan. Yes, yes, I know I'm starting to sound like a broken record on this. But, I often can't remember what I ate three hours ago, much less last week. By making a monthly meal plan, I know I am providing my family with a variety of food throughout the month. I'm exposing TIH to lots of different foods and making sure he's getting a good balance of it all. Plus, I can spread out meals that I know from experience that he will refuse - so I'm also limiting the number of nights where I'm not even going to try to feed him our dinner, and will instead feed him something from one of his favorite food groups (i.e., hot dogs, chicken nuggets, frozen waffles, Chef Boyardee)
2. I start feeding him small portions. I feel as though if I put a huge pile of something TIH might not like in front of him, that he is way more likely to throw a fit of epic proportions to refuse it. But, if I give him a little bit at a time, not only is he more likely to try it, he might even finish it and ask for more (okay, the latter part might be in my dreams.)
3. We always put something that he likes on his plate. So, if we're having a meal with a protein, a starch, and a vegetable (a common combo in our house), I'll stick some grapes or Goldfish crackers on his plate alongside it. Even if he eats all of that part and only one bite of the other stuff, I consider it a victory. (And honestly, that's a worst case scenario. He almost always eats multiple bites of it all.)
4. When he is starting to refuse food or when he sits down at his plate and immediately says, "I DON'T WANT CHICKEN" we usually reduce the demand. We'll say, "You just have to eat three bites." Or, "Eat everything on this side of the plate" and break the food up into sections. We've actually often found that he'll eat more than what we say at that point, or has even started sectioning off his food himself and saying "I'll only eat this pile." (And then eats all of the piles.)
5. We keep it real. If one night out of the week he ends up having some microwaved hot dogs or a box of macaroni and cheese, it really isn't the end of the world. We're careful about when we do it, but sometimes it is more important to just sit down as a family without tears, yelling, and throwing food (and for TIH to be happy too.) :)
6. When in doubt - offer ketchup. (We always use a natural ketchup brand that we found and like so at least it's a little better, but honestly, if TIH has something to dip his food in, the popularity of that food goes up 400%.)
7. We give him a multivitamin. At least we know we're rounding out the nutrients he might be missing in food. It's actually become a fun little routine for all of us after TIH's bath. Mama likes her gummy vitamins too. It's all good.
It isn't perfect. There are some books that have been recommended to me and they continue to be on my ever growing to-do list. But so far, our method isn't based on anything any expert would probably prescribe.
However - it works.
Our child continues to grow. He continues to eat a range of foods better than I would expect from most three year olds and he is learning lessons that are equally as important in the process - table manners, eating a balanced diet, trying new things, the importance of eating together at a family, and a multitude of other things we're probably not even aware of. I'll call that a win any day of the week.
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If anyone has any further questions about picky eaters, please feel free to email me or post a question to Facebook and I'll try my best to point you in the right direction. I'll take any questions not related to picky eating too! Have at it! AFONM is always ready for you!
To all of the high school/college graduates out there struggling right now:
I know that the least effective thing to say to you right now is "Welcome to the Real World."
That said?
Welcome to the Real World.
The thing I can promise you is this: it gets better.
You will struggle with balance your entire life. Work vs. play. Family vs. friends. Being a wife vs. being a mom. Being productive vs. being a couch potato. And that's okay. Learning to find the balance, living with these oppositional forces is what makes life beautiful and what makes life whole.
Soon, you will get used to this new schedule. Get used to the idea of early bed and early rising. Get used to the idea of not having summers off, of not really having a whole lot of any time off. Also? Your internship is a great way to prepare you for a career, but it is in no way what your career has to be like. My internship was insanity (I worked 40 hours a week, woke up every morning at FIVE THIRTY and STILL held SEVERAL part time jobs before and after my internship and throughout the entire weekend. And I had to walk both ways. Uphill. In the snow. Barefoot.)
But, once you have a "real" job - this is not going to be your life. Your schedule will even out. You'll learn to find new joys in life both in work and at home. You'll even find ways to be social with the people you work with so that you even feel like you're playing when you're working.
Then you'll have kids and you'll have to figure it all out again.
Trust the process.
Know that this is ALL worth it in the end.
Find the simple joys in life.
RELISH AND ENJOY YOUR WEEKENDS AS MUCH AS YOU CAN.
Start drinking caffinated beverages (if you already do this...get a double shot instead of a single...if you get a double already, start a central line of coffee straight to your bloodstream.)
Call us whenever you need a laugh and we'll tell you our latest parenting fail.
Believe in yourself.
We do already.
I teased this when I answered a question in my most recentAFONM post. I had to really dig into the archives of my addled brain for this, but I truly hope it will help someone who is planning to breast feed and work outside the home. Your breast pump will become your friend. Enjoy those days. They won't last forever and the last time you pump, you'll feel oddly nostalgic. And a little free. Enjoy that too. So, here you go...(this was after I dropped my totally unnecessary 3rd and 4th pumping sessions). A Day in the Life of NMOTB {Circa 2010-2011}
5:00 am - My wake up call. I get showered, dressed, and ready for the day. I pack my lunch, eat breakfast, and prepare for a speedy exit all before waking up the baby (if I can help it.) If the baby does wake up, that's my husband's wake up call. Morning, honey.
6:00 am - Go get the sleeping baby and dress him (early on, you may just want to leave him in his jammies because younger babies are more prone to spit up and the less wardrobe changes the better.) With this in mind, I usually don a robe over my work clothes to avoid a wardrobe change for me as well. Sit down for a bit to nurse him for his first morning feeding. Usually he sticks to one side in the morning. (I would switch him half way through when we were first starting out to even out my supply.)
6:30 am - Baby finishes morning feeding. I hand him off to daddy who would does the morning drop off. (He has a home office and doesn't have to punch a clock. I, on the other hand, almost never make it to work on time and need to leave immediately, breast pump in tow.)
7:30 am - I arrive at work and start my morning by answering emails, chatting with co-workers, and preparing myself for the day.
8:00 am - Door is locked, breast pump is on and in place. This will be my most lucrative pumping session. Usually able to pump between 15-20 ounces in a 20 minute session. (Do not fret, my pet. This is the most ridiculous amount of milk and is not the norm. Amount of milk per session varies per woman, but know that this yield was odd. I would say something around 5-10 ounces is more normal for this first session. Especially after you have fed your baby less than two hours before. Ignore my freak boobs.) These exact bottles will go to the sitter's house tomorrow to eat. TIH always got milk that was no more than a day old.
8:30 am - I am already back to work. Pumped milk has been divided equally among the 4 bottles he usually takes while at the sitter's house and stored in my mini fridge. (TIH would take 5 ounces at a time from a bottle. This is more than other kids. Usually 3-4 is more of the norm. This may explain the freak boobs.) My pump parts have been wiped clean and stored in the fridge as well.
8:30-11:00 am - Work, workity, work.
11:00 am - Much needed lunch break.
12:00 pm - If I had a 3rd pumping session, this is when I would do it. I got rid of it a long time ago though, so suck it! I'm going to take a nap in my office send more emails.
2:00 pm - Door is locked, breast pump is on and in place. This pumping session yields about 6-8 ounces (again, freak boobs). I store the milk in 2 ounce increments in storage bags which will be frozen when I go home. I label those storage bags with the date and the amount. The session lasts about 15 minutes and then I return to work.
3:45 pm - Time to pack up for home. I take all of the cold milk out of the refrigerator and move it into a soft cooler with ice packs that I've stored in the freezer in the staff lounge. A few times I will leave this cooler at work and be more mad at myself than you can even imagine.
4:00 pm - Clock out, head home to pick up TIH from the sitter's house. When I get there, she tells me when his last bottle was (usually around 3:00 pm) and gives me the empty bottles from the day (she was a doll and would rinse them for me so I could put them straight in the dishwasher when I got home).
5:00 pm - TIH and I are both home and sitting down for his evening nursing session (I always started on the opposite side of the morning feeding since he usually stuck on one side in the morning.) My husband makes dinner (I know, it's a charmed life) and I watch DVR'd episodes of Real Housewives (Teresa was nuts back then too.)
5:30 pm - Having cleaned my pump parts in warm soapy water, I use one of those sterilization bags made by Medela to clean the parts in the microwave. I place the storage bags of milk in the freezer among others, making sure that the older bags of milk are more accessible (use your older milk first.) This is a great idea for storing those bags and I wish I had thought of it! I put the bottles from today's pumping sessions in the refrigerator to be sent to the sitter's in the morning. (My sitter also has a small supply of frozen milk [5-10 ounces] in case she needed an additional bottle besides what I pumped.)
6:00 pm - I pack a set of clean bottles, my sterilized pump parts, and more milk storage bags into my pump bag and I am ready for the next day.
(I would then nurse TIH on demand for the rest of the night, but usually he would just need one long feeding right before bed and he would be good to go. He would get a meal of solids while we ate dinner as well, so he was usually pretty dang full by bedtime.)
Got that? It was actually pretty simple. And took less than an hour out of my work schedule. I could have easily pumped during my lunch break, if that was the only opportunity I was afforded. I just got lucky in that regard. I didn't always love my breast pump, but it really did make my goal (of breast feeding for one year) much more realistic and attainable once I returned to work.
Because of my supply abundance, I ended up with a lot of frozen milk in storage that allowed us to bring bottles with us in public places (I did not like nursing in public) and also allowed me to stop pumping entirely when TIH was 11 months. That was pretty sweet.
Now, here's my supply list. These people aren't paying me, but I sure do love them for the comfort they provided me in that first year. (And if they wanted to send me some swag, I wouldn't say no. </end shameless sponsorship plug>)
Bottles: These came with the breast pump and worked the best for us. Again, we just got lucky. Most people will have to try a lot of different brands. Specific brands are more compatible with breast feeding, so definitely keep that in mind when selecting a bottle.
Cooler: We had two - one for me to bring to work and one for the sitter's house. You could probably use any sort of insulated lunch bag with some ice packs.
YAY! I have another question to answer for my Advice for other New Moms column!
It has taken me awhile to answer this question because it has been over two years since I hung up my breast shields, so I had to really think about the method to that madness that I engaged in (happily) for my first year of being a working mom. Here's what this New Mom wants to know:
You are a brave woman for putting your email address out there! {You have no idea - can I interest you in a flesh light? I can forward you 3 dozen emails.} I just read your breastfeeding post. Good for you for sticking with it! I am 33 weeks pregnant and am already seriously doubting my abilities! My question is, did you ever pump at work? I work as a legal assistant for a very (very, very) small law firm. I would like to at least pump for my little girl because I know the benefits (as well as it is soooo much cheaper which will be a plus while recovering from the financial loss from maternity leave.) {Preach.} But, I feel super uncomfortable with any of the pumping-at-work scenarios I have come up with in my head. {I had a private office and I still got walked in on once, so I hear ya.} Hiding in the bathroom seems silly, but there are too many things that could go wrong with me just going into the empty office. What am I supposed to do, put a sign on the door that says "Milking in progress?" Awkward. {I personally prefer "Moooooove along, we're busy."} Might I mention that my boss is a 60 year old man... Anyway, I have also read blogs by women who have exclusively pumped for their chitlins. One lady was saying she never used formula, but had to pump for 20-30 minutes every two hours. TWO HOURS!!! MY boss will most certainly not be okay with that! So, if you did pump at work, or know anyone that has, how did you/they do it? I'm totally okay with pumping before work, during my lunch break, and then after work, but doesn't your body tell you when you need to pump? And if you are used to breast feeding, won't said body need to be pumped more often? As you can tell, I am totally clueless! Thanks! - Clueless FTM
Dear Clueless -
First things first, you are less "clueless" than you give yourself credit for. You've clearly been thinking a lot about this and weighing your options. Congratulations. You're a mom! You'll never stop doing this as long as you live! Whee! (But, seriously, nice work. You've got a lot more clues than you think.)
All of your questions are all totally valid. I was fortunate enough to not have to worry about a lot of this. I had:
1. A private office with a lock and no windows
2. A co-worker who had pumped for 2 babies and was a wealth of knowledge
3. A female boss who may have been president of the local La Leche League chapter as encouraging as she was for me to breast feed/pump while working.
4. Mostly female co-workers who were supportive of my pumping schedule, having breast fed themselves or who hoped to one day.
5. A schedule I made mostly for myself.
I'm not telling you that to brag. I'm telling you that to let you know that despite "having it made" in my first few weeks back to work, I was a wreck when it came to coming up with a plan to pump.
Breastfeeding in and of itself was a quite a feat for me, and the minute I thought I had the hang of that, it was time to add a piece of machinery to the mix? Fugedaboutit. I was a mess.
Here's how I did it. I hope it works for you.
- I was honest from the beginning with my co-workers about my plans. Sure, the conversations were uncomfortable (even with women and even with their support), but it would have been way more uncomfortable for me to try to have this conversation early rather than try to schedule it around my pumping schedule. This went remarkably well. Given my lag time on this response, you may already be on your maternity leave. If that is the case, why not discuss your plans in an email? I don't know what state you are in, but a lot of states have laws protecting your right to take breaks to pump. The fact that you work with legal types actually bodes well for you in this case! (Plus with an email there is a paper trail. Eh? Eh? Just kidding. You probably shouldn't eff around with lawyers, especially when they employ you.) But, be up front. You'll be glad you were.
- The week leading up to going back to work, I pumped as though my baby wasn't there and fed him the milk from the bottle. It helped to have some extra milk around the house to get us started, so when I had changes in between feedings or if he slept through a feeding, I always pumped and froze the milk. I knew The Incredible Hulk's feeding schedule and so every time he acted hungry (which was usually every two or three hours), I pumped and gave him a bottle of pumped milk instead. This ended up being FOUR times a day. That's a lot. You yourself said you couldn't do this. I'm with you. That's impossible. I knew I could finagle it for my first week back because my groups were still being covered, but past that? I was a little concerned.
- I kept that up until I had to attend a training only a couple of weeks after returning to work. Not only did I not have an office - I didn't even have a private bathroom or closet or corner to go to. What I had was the backseat of my car, an electrical inverter that plugged into my cigarette lighter, a secluded parking lot, and a nursing cover. No way was I going to do that four times a day. Plus, with no breaks during this training, I was missing the training hours by going to pump in my car. This was first time I cut out a pumping session. Do you know what happened to my supply? Nothing. Sure, my breasts felt a little heavy by the time I rolled around to my (now cancelled) pumping session, but it wasn't anything I couldn't handle. And it went away after the first day.
- This is when I decided to experiment. I really wanted to get by with only two pumping sessions a day. I was in a wedding around the time TIH was 3 months old, so I decided to experiment then. Do you know what happened to my supply? Nothing. I was still able to yield the same amount of milk without any problems.
- I stuck to the two sessions a day (morning and afternoon) schedule for the rest of the year. I was able to cut down to one session once TIH was around 9 months old. I stopped pumping all together (and used frozen milk for during the day to feed him at the babysitter's house) when he was about 11 months old. I just fed him before and after work (just as I had when I was doing 4 sessions) and always had enough milk for him.
Literally, I never had a single supply issue. I might have just gotten lucky, but it is only recommended that you pump for your baby one time for every four hours you are away from her. For most people, this means anywhere from 1-3 pumping sessions a day. If you cut it close at the end of the day, you can always nurse your daughter at your childcare provider before you take her home with you. This is completely acceptable and most providers are open to it!
You said you had a plan to pump in the morning before work, to pump during lunch, and to pump in the afternoon. Listen, lady. You've got it down! You might be able to get by with only 1-2 of those sessions (eventually.) The milk will evenly distribute itself among those feedings. The key is staying relaxed, hydrated, and making sure you're eating enough.
At first, your body may need some adjustment time. So, on your first day back use the best breast pads you can find and switch them out as often as necessary and dress in layers in case you have any leaking. Your body will adjust faster than you can imagine.
If none of this is happening for you and you have trouble with supply, clogged ducts, mastitis, or discomfort in the first week, contact a friendly lactation consultant. Lay out your situation for them. Tell them what is realistic and what isn't realistic for you. They will point you in the right direction.
In the future, I will post with more specifics about my daily pumping schedule and routines which may help you prepare when you return to work, but for now, rest assured that you are going to do GREAT especially if you can fit in the 1-3 pumping sessions you think you can do. Best of luck to you. Can't wait for an update to hear how it is all going.
And, if it doesn't go well? You're still doing the right thing. As long as your child is getting the nourishment she needs - the source really doesn't matter.
Before this post gets underway, I wanted to make a quick clarification about the Pampers giveaway. This being NMOTB's first giveaway (though there will be more, I hope!), I think I did a bad job of explaining the rules of the giveaway. Each comment you make on the blog (whether it be to tell me you follow me on Facebook/Pinterest, be your awesome sleep advice - I'm learning so much! - or your bonus entry for today) counts as one entry for the giveaway. So, if you liked me on Facebook or Pinterest (thank you!) in order to enter the giveaway you need to leave a comment so that it can be counted for an entry. If you already followed me on Facebook/Pinterest, you must also still leave a comment stating so. I am terrible at explaining things without being wordy, so I blame the confusion on me and you're probably even more confused now. Ideally, you will be able to enter the contest up to three times (So, three comments on the giveaway post - one with your sleep advice, one stating if you follow me on Pinterest, and one with your guess about today's bonus question. Additionally, you must "like" New Mom on the Blog on Facebook to qualify you if you win. You don't have to leave an additional comment stating so.) Phew. No wonder it's so confusing. I'm terrible at this. Though we have yet to experience them, I have several friends who have told me about their struggles with a very unsettling phenomenon known commonly as "night terrors."
It's like a bad dream on steroids except that you'll never know what made your little one scream like a banshee in the middle of the night (nor will they). In truth, since we haven't experienced them, I don't even know that much about them myself, so I was super excited when I received an email with someone who was interested in writing her solution for night terrors that worked like a charm. This particular person is someone who has raised two wonderful children into adulthood and lives an amazingly healthy lifestyle (one which I modeled some of my own weight loss after). She also happens to be my mother's twin sister and more importantly - my godmother.
Oh, AND, did I mention? She's gorgeous.
So here is what my Aunt Patty has to share with us. And, make sure you don't miss the end of the post where I tell you what you can do for another chance at the Pampers Giveaway!
----- From the day she was born, my amazing daughter, Katie, has thrived on rituals. She still does to this day, 23 years later. When she was a three-year-old little girl, she and I had to go through the exact same routine every night before she would settle down to sleep. After her bath, we would read exactly three books, no more, no less. We said the exact prayers in the exact order. Then I was required to tuck her beloved teddy bear and water baby into the exact spots around her and give her the exact number of kisses on her sweet, little nose. And finally, before closing the bedroom door, we would need to say the exact goodnight words, always ending with, “I love you so, so much.”
Finally it was time for my own ritual, when I would have a little time for myself to relax before climbing into bed and falling into a deep sleep. But without fail I would be abruptly awakened by Katie’s desperate screams. I would rush up the stairs and into her room to find her in a completely different state than I had left her just a few hours earlier. Sweating and breathing heavily, Katie would be staring wild-eyed into space, sobbing and screaming, speaking incoherently. I tried everything to help calm her. I tried soothing her with gentle words, then reasoning with stern ones. I tried applying cold washcloths to her face to snap her out of it. I tried holding her, only to be pushed away. Every attempt to soothe or rouse her was useless. All I could do was stand by helplessly, waiting until she eventually calmed on her own and she fell back into a peaceful sleep.
Luckily, Katie had no recollection of these terrors in the morning. But I did. I was exhausted and becoming increasingly frustrated and hopeless. I felt guilty for the misplaced anger I had towards my small daughter, who had absolutely no control over these episodes. I felt like a failure as a mother for my inability to help calm my terrified child. Was it my mothering technique? Was I doing something wrong?
I was becoming more and more desperate as the nightly terrors continued over the following year. Finally I reached out for help from Katie’s pediatrician. I described the episodes in detail and he explained that as long as she was in no danger of harming herself, it was okay to do nothing. He assured me that Katie would eventually outgrow them. After that I turned to parenting books and had some insight into other parents’ experiences with night terrors and had a few tips on how to handle the episodes. The advice was mostly to not interrupt and let the terror run its course. But I was not going to just stand by and witness my daughter’s nightly terrors. And I did not want to wait until my daughter outgrew them. These night terrors were entirely too disruptive in our household so I continued to search for help.
One day, I mentioned Katie’s ongoing night terrors to Jane, the owner of my favorite bookstore. Surprisingly, Jane happened to have a friend who not only had a child with the same problem, but also had solved it. She gave me her friend’s number, which I called immediately. Jane’s friend was a complete godsend. Her advice was so, so simple, but it changed everything.
She told me she would get her daughter out of bed about an hour or two after she fell asleep. She would guide her to the bathroom, set her on the toilet, and then help her get back into bed. She said her daughter never really woke up and would go right back to sleep. It was that simple. I gave her advice a try that night and it worked! Katie’s night terrors completely stopped and our whole house could sleep soundly through the night. I repeated this routine for about a year until slowly easing off. She never experienced a night terror again.
Today, Katie has a different set of nighttime rituals. They do not include her beloved teddy bear or water baby. And I no longer read to her or tuck her into bed and help her say her prayers. But one ritual has not changed: we never go to sleep without telling each other those exact same words, “I love you so, so much.” ----- It is of course at this point that I share with you that the obvious reason we haven't experienced this phenomenon yet is most likely because we haven't potty trained. So, just one more thing to look forward to. Yay... Feel free to ask more questions about night terrors or about this possible solution. I'm sure Aunt Patty will be happy to ask them! And now, the bonus round! For one more bonus entry in Friday's giveaway: hop on over to the original post and name the connection between the subject of this post and the lyrics I used for its title. (Your answer doesn't have to be correct in order for your entry to count, so give it a try!) The giveaway will close tomorrow, May 2 at 7:00 pm CDT, so get all of your entries squared away before then!
A couple of months ago, I helped throw a baby shower for one of my best friends. My duties were extremely simple: drinks, dipping implements for the chocolate fondue, and diapers. I saw this great idea on Pinterest to have the guests of the shower write bits of advice for the mom-to-be on diapers for her to read during those (NUMEROUS) diaper changes. I wanted the diapers to be ones she could actually get a good use out of and so of course, I went straight for Pampers.
At my own baby showers, moms of all ages with kids of all ages all swore by Pampers as their go-to brand of diaper. We were given countless diapers at our showers and we also made sure to stock up a bit before The Incredible Hulk made his appearance, but immediately we saw the difference in the quality of other diapers to Pampers.
I recommend Pampers to all New Moms for one small, but very important reason - SLEEP. By far, the most jarring thing you experience in the first few weeks of motherhood is the enormous lack of sleep that follows. So, when your precious babe starts to sleep for long stretches, the very last thing you want is for them to wake up because they have soaked through their diaper. Pampers Baby Dry is your number one defense for this. We diapered TIH in them all day long knowing that if he fell asleep and took an extra long nap, we'd be okay even if his diaper hadn't been changed for a few hours.
When your babe gets a little bit older, you will want to eek every last bit of sleep out of their one nap a day (if you're lucky) that you can. We actually go up a size to ensure a little bit more absorbency when TIH wears them over night and we've also found they are a Godsend for long car trips (when you can convince your toddler not to unbuckle themselves out of the car seat while headed down the highway at 70 mph.)
We're on the road to potty training any day now (or so I like to delusionally tell myself), so I'm enjoying the time that we can rely on a good brand of diapers for the comfort of our kiddo and the extra hours of sleep (for all of us.) So, in the meantime - I know I have Pampers in my corner.
Good news! My friends at Pampers have provided me with the SWEETEST prize pack to giveaway this week on the blog. Included in the package (valued at $100):
- Pampers Baby Dry Diapers (size can be selected by the winner)
- Pampers Sensitive Wipes (also a favorite in our house)
- Constellation B Glow Animals (TIH is absolutely obsessed with this)
- 3 of our FAVORITE Nighttime Story Books (Goodnight, Moon; Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See?; Where the Wild Things Are)
- 1 FREE product coupon for Pampers Baby Dry Diapers
- 1 FREE product coupon for Pampers Wipes
I literally could not be more excited to give this prize pack away to one lucky reader. So here are the rules:
- You must be a fan of New Mom on the Blog on Facebook to enter. Leave a comment with the best kiddo sleep advice you've ever received. (If you were already a NMOTB Facebook fan, you can just state that when you leave your comment.)
- For one bonus entry, you can follow me on Pinterest where I am obsessively pinning great ideas for kids, DIY, and food. (Mostly food.) Just leave an additional comment saying that you've started to follow my madness.
The contest will shut down Thursday night at 7:00 pm CDT at which point I will randomly select a winner from the comment section and announce it here on the blog on Friday, May 3! And be sure to check back on Wednesday where I will be offering up another opportunity to win this awesome giveaway as well as some of the best sleep advice I've ever heard from my very own godmother!
Good luck to all who enter! Hope to see you back on Wednesday!
Though the lovely folks at Pampers provided me with the Pampers Baby Dry Sweet Sleep Time Gift Pack to giveaway on this blog, the opinions expressed are my own. I truly have always been a huge fan of their product.
When I started New Mom on the Blog, I did so because I figured (like me) there were other new moms who hit the blogging community for the answers to all of their burning questions. In that vein, I also posted a link to my email address so that readers could send me questions about motherhood, life, babies, or useless trivia that I seemingly know all of the answers to. (For example: Where did Jack Dorsey, co-founder of Twitter, graduate from high school? Bishop DuBourg in St. Louis, MO.) (Side note: You can totally tell that I am procrastinating about packing. We leave on Friday, and I'm writing up long blog posts instead of doing anything that would help us move. Meh, whatev.)
HOWEVER, I have never had even one, single question emailed to me from that link. I assumed either everyone knew the answers or have been reading this blog long enough to know that I am not one to be trusted.
Until today.
I received a question from a reader named Becca who is mulling over a decision that most (if not all) women struggle with. So, here goes the first installment of Advice for Other New Moms (it's a working title, I'm not sold on it, leave better suggestions in the comments.)
Hey, I've recently started reading your blog and I really love how funny and helpful it is! [Editor's Note: I left that part in because it makes me smile like I'm on crack. If that's what happens when you're on crack.] I'm 16 weeks pregnant now and I have no idea what I'm doing really. [Editor's Note: I'm over 2 years postpartum and I don't either. Welcome to motherhood. You're in good company.] I've been going back and forth about breast feeding and formula feeding. I read that breast feeding is more healthy for the baby, but I'm nervous about being in public and needing to feed him/her. The whole concept kind of scares me, but I want to do what's best for my baby...help!
First of all, Becca, by the sheer virtue of you being worried about what is best for your baby, I can tell you this without a doubt - you are doing what is best for your baby. That said, this is a huge decision and may be one that defines your first year of motherhood, so definitely don't take it lightly.
I'll start by shooting myself in the foot. Stay off the Internet when you ask this question.
I'm only partially kidding. You see, for every woman that says "Formula feeding is the only way to go," there is a woman with her boob ready to pop you in the face saying, "Breast is best." And, though I'd love to be able to tell you that they're really nice about their difference in opinions - that is the furthest thing from the truth. I have never felt like a worse mother than when I'm looking at some of the comment threads on the various mommy communities. Stay away when you're feeling vulnerable.
The facts are pretty straightforward, while they continue year after year to refine the chemical make-up of formula to match some of the benefits of breast milk - the mechanism of breast feeding itself is worth a lot of benefits as well. And, there are some enzymes found in breast milk that are never going to be able to be manufactured because breast milk is perfectly engineered (by nature) for your baby's exact needs. So, for the most part, in the health column, there's a lot more research that supports breast feeding being the very best option for your child.
However, for a baby to get those health benefits, breast feeding has to work. And this is not always the case. I can tell you that for the first few weeks of breast feeding, I worked harder than I've ever worked in my life to get it to work. That did include some days where I felt like the kid never left my arms. (Don't worry, after that initial period, it came to be the most natural/easy thing I've ever done in my life. I actually came to enjoy those times in a way I would have probably cringed about before I had a kid.)
If breast feeding isn't working (supply issues, latching issues, mother/baby illness, etc.) - obviously you've got to go to a Plan B which may mean supplementing with formula, pumping milk and then feeding it to the baby, a combination of those options, or deciding to formula feed exclusively. Trust me when I say, I have had multiple friends who tried like hell to breast feed and were not able to do so. The minute the word "dehydration" is mentioned about your tiny infant, you will be the first person in line in the formula aisle. Even the most devout breast feeding woman would be. (Or should be, in my opinion.)
As for breast feeding in public: I am with you on that one. It never worked for me. It was super uncomfortable and something that was so simple for me to do at home became very complicated when I was in public feeling like strangers were judging me. Having a baby will change your entire life and probably a lot about the person you are today, but at your very core you will still likely be someone who is not comfortable with even a limited amount of public nudity. That does not have to change. I probably would have never struggled with my decision to breast feed one bit if someone would have said, "You do not have to turn into some half-naked looney toon to be successful at this!"
In my 12-months of breast feeding, I only breast fed in public a minimal number of times. All of which I utilized a nursing cover, a quiet corner, and a down-turned gaze. (I found that if I couldn't see the other people, I could pretend they weren't there.) The most public place I ever fed my son was on an airplane with my husband sitting in a way that blocked me from public viewing, the aforementioned nursing cover was used, and it resulted in my son sleeping through both 2 hour flights. (Truly, I think anyone who doesn't like a screaming infant on a plane would have high-fived me for nursing during take off.) Sometimes avoiding the nursing in public thing takes a little extra planning, but probably only marginally more than preparing bottles to bring with you for any outing as a formula feeding mom as well.
(Also, have to thank the folks at Luvs for this little bit of brilliance. And thanks to Mommy Shorts for sharing it.)
It also has to be said that breast feeding saves a lot of money. Even if you need to buy a top-of-the-line breast pump (to return to work, have a night away from your baby, or have a glass of wine because you will sure as hell need it), you are likely to save close to $1500.00 for the first year as compared to exclusively feeding with formula. Generally, when I was hitting a rough patch with breast feeding (or feeling like I didn't want to do it anymore at all), I found that standing in the formula aisle and holding a can of $40.00 formula that wouldn't last a whole week was enough to send me straight back to the booby camp. For some people? This isn't a problem. They'll make it work or feel that the expense is worth it. For us? We truly would have had difficulties affording it.
Additionally, my husband was very pro-breast feeding and did everything he could to be supportive throughout the 12 months I did it. That is absolutely something that leads to the success of a breast feeding mom - a dad who thinks it's pretty swell as well. Sure, dad can't really do much in the way of feeding the baby when you're breast feeding, but they can bring you cookies. Which is even better.
I think the best way to go about it is to absolutely give it the old college try. Give yourself a deadline: "If I try this for 6 weeks and don't like it, I'm stopping." I did this (and some days, I had to say, "Okay, I'm doing it until the end of the week/day/45 minute period and then I'm quitting.") and whenever my deadline came up I always found myself not even dreaming of stopping. I would also really challenge you to not use formula during this time whatsoever just to get a good supply established. In other words, don't give up on breast feeding before you've even really tried. (If that's what you ultimately decide you want to do.)
I always say that whatever works best for you, for your values as a mother/person, and for your family is always the best way to go. And after that? You can't make a wrong decision.
Good luck, Becca. And welcome to the New Mom Club!
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I have to admit that this response is a little bit one-sided and that is only because I was able to breast feed successfully (as I had hoped to do) for 12 months. I would really love to know other mom's perspectives and I'm sure Becca would too. What made you decide to choose formula and why did it work better? Was the cost a big deal? Did your baby flat out refuse the breast? Any advice you think would be helpful on this issue? Don't you think more people should ask questions?! I AM SO GOOD AT QUESTIONS.
Here's a link to several of my favorite posts on the topic (a very popular one in my first year as a blogger!)
Yesterday, I poured my heart out here with all of my fears about my son being a late talker. I asked for help. I asked for sanity. I asked for suggestions. And all of you out there simply delivered.
Here are a few things I learned from yesterday's post:
1.Einstein may have been speech-delayed. (The jury is still out on this fact. I found sources stating both that he was/wasn't speech-delayed. Either way, in my research I found lots of famous scientists who also were thought to be speech-delayed. Which means The Incredible Hulk might be a nuclear physicist. So, there's always that.)
2.The phrase “speech-delayed” scares the ever-loving crap out of me. Even though no one used that phrase (other than me ad nauseam in the previous item.) Even though that phrase doesn't even describe TIH. It still scares the ba-jesus out of me.
3. I forgot to mention several things about TIH's history in my post.
- For one, his hearing is fine - probably too good. Receptively, we have no concerns. He responds to multiple-step commands, dances to music, can mimic the sound a lion makes – all of that kind of stuff. Though, everyone who mentioned this is totally right – these things should be considered when dealing with late talkers.
- Someone also mentioned how ear infections can play a role in kiddos who aren’t speaking yet. The good news is, TIH has only had two of those – ever.
- A few people mentioned socialization. We have no concerns about his socialization (other than the fact that he bites his friends.) At his 18-month-old check-up, I had to fill out this survey about his social behaviors. They explained that it was an early screener for Autism Spectrum Disorders. The survey confirmed that he’s developing typically. However, if social deficits existed, it would also explain the speech thing – so, anyone who mentioned this was spot on as well.
4.I also forgot to mention my amazing godson. When I saw him at Thanksgiving 2010 (he almost 15 months at the time) he wasn’t saying a whole lot of anything. The next time I got to see him was the following summer and he was a. talking. machine. Then a few months later, at this year’s Thanksgiving, he was reciting entire (complicated) passages from Despicable Me. He’s a little genius kiddo. After talking to my sister-in-law about him yesterday, I felt better immediately. He went through such an amazing transformation in just a short time. It gives me hope for TIH. Several of you readers shared similar stories and they all helped to ease my mind so much.
5. Don't read Amazon.com reviews. During my aforementioned Albert Einstein research, I stumbled upon a book called The Einstein Syndromewhich is about late-talkers. I read some of the reviews of the book which were basically a bunch of horror stories of children whose parents thought their late talking was "just a phase" and all of the kids ended up having severe problems. The problems referred to were in line with the author's assertion that late talking is an early warning sign of future issues - drug addiction, suicidality, criminality, and a bunch of other REALLY FUN STUFF. I want to purchase a copy of this book and burn it. I also want Amazon.com to know that NO - these reviews were NOT HELPFUL.
Lastly, can I just say? I love the Internet. Seriously. I love you guys. I love you for reading. I love you for never judging me (openly) about how freaking insane I am. I love you for all of your knowledge and wisdom and support and prayers and encouragement. I love you, most of all, for allowing me to put myself out here, time and time again, and not ever making me feel sorry for it. I just can’t say it enough. You are all my shining stars. Thanks again.
Welcome back to the semi-annual installment of "Why the hell is my child not speaking yet, it must be because I am a terrible mother and everyone is judging me for it."
I'll work on the title.
In the meantime, allow me to freak out.
WHY THE HELL IS MY CHILD NOT SPEAKING YET?
Am I a terrible mother?
Is everyone judging me for it?
The rational side of my brain says, "He is a boy. You are a great mom. This is normal. He does say some words. Give him a break, Tiger Mother."
The irrational side of my brain says, "What do you MEAN your child is identifying songs on the radio by artist? Clearly, I am doing something wrong with mine."
I also think I may be going slightly crazy because we will go for long periods of time with him saying some words like "grapes" and "crackers" and "vacuum." We've also had "Yes" and "Yeah."
Now we have none of those. We have “bah” or “dah” (which can mean “ball” and “balloon” or “dog” and “duck” respectively.) Sometimes I wonder if in a few months’ time we’ll still have those.
I have to admit, I am guilty of falling into the trap of responding when he does nothing more than pointing and grunting. I mean, the kid knows how to get what he wants. But, any mother of a late-talking toddler can tell you that failing to respond to pointing and grunting in a timely manner will guarantee you a meltdown of epic proportions.
Sometimes I just can't handle another meltdown.
We have started working with daycare on learning some of the basic signs they use (previously, The Incredible Hulk wasn't in places that used signs) and those are working (we know “Please” and “More.") When he plays in the bath or takes a drink, I tirelessly repeat the sign for "water" and encourage him to do the same. Want to know the response I get?
HE LAUGHS AT ME.
Oh yeah. Apparently, mommy furiously throwing three fingers next to her mouth is freaking hilarious.
It's infuriating.
I have no doubt in my mind that I am the mother to an intelligent little boy. He has a way of figuring things out that baffle my husband and me daily. He has a beautiful imagination and "fed" his stuffed dog a cup of milk before laying him down and covering him with a blanket. This sort of behavior expresses an intelligence that goes beyond simple language skills.
It's just a very quiet intelligence. And it's making my lose my damn mind.
It would be splendid if this kid would start speaking in full sentences so that I would know exactly what he wanted and would be able to diffuse any impending tantrum that is about to explode.
Unfortunately, life isn't working out quite like that.
I know that I need to stop comparing him to other children. Every ounce of my being knows that. And yet, I can't help but wonder if I am secretly judged every time my child points and grunts at something and I respond in kind. I want to scream, "I SWEAR TO GOD I READ TO HIM AND DO FLASH CARDS AND DO LANGUAGE PROMOTING ACTIVITIES. STOP JUDGING ME."
Of course, that will probably earn me a one way ticket to a padded room, so I don't scream at strangers. Much.
So help me out, mamas. Well - mamas of other late talkers. When did your little one finally start communicating effectively? What was the turning point? What worked? What didn't work?
[Before I get started on today's post (which is a total rant and I have nothing to rant about when it comes to this amazing sponsor), allow me to introduce the first ever New Mom on the Blog sponsor! A friend of mine introduced me to Stephanie and her absolutely gorgeous photography. When she offered some mini-shoot sessions for Christmas cards in November, I was eager to grab one of those sessions as quickly as I could. The end result was my favorite Christmas card of ALL TIME. If you're looking for a photographer and are in the Metro-St. Louis area, I encourage you to contact Rosser Photography and book a session as quickly as you possibly can. As the mommy to a toddler, she is amazing with little ones, but she is an all around amazing photographer - no matter what the subject. Thanks, Stephanie for being willing to be our first sponsor.]
I was told before I became a mother that things would change.
I was warned that people will begin giving you advice about things they have no business giving you advice about.
But, I'm not sure anyone told me that people would start saying and doing completely, totally, unbelievably, rude things to you (or in front of you). I have heard the most appalling things recently, and I need to take this opportunity to rant about it for a bit. Some of these things were said to me. Some of these things were said to others. But, let me caution anyone who reads this - these things should never be said. And if you're saying them? You're an a-hole.
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"That's not the right way to burp that baby."
(This actually happened to me. It was overheard as I was trying to burp my newborn son in a noisy restaurant.)
If you are staring at a sleep-deprived mother who is clearly at her wits end and swimming in a sea of her own ineptitude and the ONLY THING THAT COMES TO YOUR MIND IS, "You're doing it wrong"? You're an a-hole.
"Where are your shoes?"
Maybe it sounds a little odd, but I've had this said to me several times. No. Wait. I've had this said to my child, but really it was only said for me to hear.
If you're saying something to a child's mother about his mother in this passive aggressive way? You're an a-hole. (Also, you're a moron, because anyone who has ever met a child under the age of 2 should know that they manage to pull both their socks/shoes off the minute you get them fastened.)
"I don't send my children to daycare because I want to be the one raising my kids."
Congratulations. I'm glad your life worked out for you and you're rich. I'm not. I have to work. And even if I didn't, I'd still gladly send my children to daycare, all the while knowing, I am still the one "raising my kids." My mom was a working mom and I still say that she was the one that raised me.
If you're making another mother feel inferior for financially supporting her family (which, by the way, plays a major part in "raising my kids"), you're an a-hole.
"He's obviously your first kid."
Listen, I know that I will probably be a bit more lax by the time our next kid comes around. As someone who writes a blog solely on the subject, I think it's safe to say I've embraced the fact that I'm a new mom. However, when Bubba at the mall turned to me in response to an audible gasp after seeing TIH take a particularly heinous tumble at the indoor playground, it was all that I could do to politely nod and say anything obsene.
If you think you're cool for making me feel like a helicopter mom when really I'm just worried about the well-being of my child? You're an a-hole.
"I want to see more pictures of your baby!!!!"
This one requires a little bit of context. I have seen this numerous times on Facebook. Okay, it needs a little bit more context. I have seen this on the Facebook photo albums of parents of new babies. Alright...a little bit more context. I have seen this on Facebook, in the photo albums of new mothers less than 24 hours after the baby was born.
If you are demanding for woman who just pushed a baby out of her vagina (or had it surgically ripped from her abdomen) to get on Facebook and upload photographs (or for that matter, do anything other than sleep and hold her baby) mere hours after the aforementioned event? I'm glad you're excited. Frankly, we all are. Also?
YOU. ARE. AN. A-HOLE.
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Are there any I forgot?
Am I the only person who feels this way?
If you think so, you're an a-hole.
Just kidding :)
You may remember from my recent post on Rants from Mommyland, that "Veteran Moms" ( or VMs - as in, women who are not "New Moms") have a way of making me feel all stabby when they come in with their sage "JUST YOU WAIT..." advice.
I find it important, however, to share some of the incredible bits of information I've received from my beloved VMs lately. Mostly, because this stuff is SO GOOD, it's too awesome not to share. And to prove that I don't think VMs are all bad.
Gerber Puffs
I've paid as much as $4.00 a container for those stupid pieces of artificially flavored puffed rice. I complain about the price of them all of the time, but it's one of the few things I can get TIH to self-feed. I was at a pool on vacation a few months ago and handing The Incredible Hulk his first trough-full of Puffs. A VM at the pool said, "We didn't have those when my kids were growing up. We always just gave them Cheerios." If you were sitting there, you would have seen the light bulb turn on. I think I actually screamed, "CHEERIOS! OF COURSE!" in a way that would make you think I'd almost never heard of one of the most common brands of cereal EVER INVENTED. I looked at home and I had not one, but SEVERAL coupons for Cheerios which stated "Recommended by pediatricians for finger food." Face. Palm.
Random Bleeders
TIH got his first legit "boo boo" when we went to go visit my husband's parents a couple of weeks ago. He face-planted into a large stuffed ottoman and gave himself a fat lip. No big deal, except that a few nights later, he was suddenly bleeding profusely from his mouth. [Note: He probably wasn't bleeding "profusely" per se, but I've been known to exaggerate. Especially when blood is involved.] I figured he had done something to aggravate the original injury, but after careful inspection (because we all know how easy it is to get an eleven-month old to open his mouth and let you have a look) the original injury was not the source of the bleeding. And worse - and sorry, this is going to get gross - when I'd wipe the blood away with a wet washcloth, it seemed like there was some sort of bloody tissue coming away with it. Commence freak out. We gave it about 20-30 minutes and the bleeding seemed to stop. The next morning, my mother-in-law asked how we got the bleeding to stop and then nonchalantly asked if I thought that "little flap of skin" at the gum line had just detached. Apparently this is totally normal and some kids are just born with it a little tighter than others. The flap helps guide the top baby teeth as they grow in. And sometimes it just detaches. And bleeds. Profusely. No big deal.
Y'all - I have read lots and lots and lots of baby books. I have not stumbled upon this information in any of those books. I Google'd it and all I can find from the Internets is that ER doctors look for this kind of injury because it can be a sign of child abuse. (Oh. Great.) But, according to my mother-in-law who is the VETERAN of all VMs (since my husband is one of TEN) - this is totally normal and can happen during normal playtime. Thank. God.
Veggie Teethers
This advice wasn't actually relayed to me directly from a VM, but it was passed along to me from another new mom from her mother-in-law. After trying out about a billion different teething rings, this gadget, and as many ways as you can possibly freeze a washcloth, I was thinking we would never survive teething. TIH just wasn't into holding cold things in his hand or mouth, long enough to get any of the benefits. But, this new mom friend had gotten a suggestion from her mother-in-law to try using a washed stalk of celery. I tried this technique out with TIH? Best. Teether. Ever. For whatever reason, he loved carrying it around. He was able to get a couple of good crunches with those new little teeth and celery has a bit of a numbing sensation right after you bite into it. Now that he has more teeth on the top and bottom he's able to do a little too much damage and always seems to be able to turn this innocent teether into a monster choking hazard - so we've had to try other things. Still - for those first few teeth, it was a GOD SEND. Try it. I'm serious.
What is wrong with this child?
Teething. If you're asking that question, it is always teething.
On milestones
After sharing my favorite blog post as a mindfulness exercise with my consultation team, a co-worker and VM (she's a super veteran because she has several grandchildren as well) was quiet for a second and then said:
It's a double-edged sword when your kids pass milestones. You get all excited for all of the new things they're doing, but you know with every new step they're taking another step away from you.
So, while I get wrapped up in how awesome it is when TIH points to a balloon and says, "Ma ma, ba?" or how he's basically toddling around God's green earth like an old pro - it's bittersweet. This first year went by in a blink - in. a. blink. This VM helped me remember to enjoy each small step.
I'm a 20-something new member of that elite society known as Motherhood. I can't promise that you'll agree with everything I say on here. Shoot, I might even OFFEND some people with the things I have to say. And that's okay. Start a blog about how much you disagree with me. I'll probably read it.
