Slow down everyone, you're moving too fast...

Dear TIH,
I don't even try to hide the fact that I was not really a baby person before I became a mother.  Whenever I would hold a friend's baby before becoming a mother myself, it was as though the baby could sense I was uncomfortable and he or she would promptly scream their heads off.  Even in the first weeks of your life, every time I held your tiny little body close to mine, I was so scared that I was "doing it wrong," that I would "break" you somehow, that you also could sense I was really not any good at this.

On one such occasion, feeling the anxiety which was all too familiar in those days, I had finally gotten you to go to sleep in the middle of the day.  I looked down at the smallness of you and was dumbfounded how such a tiny little thing could be so overwhelming for me.  I felt a tear roll down my cheek and before I knew it, I was silently crying as I held you.  I felt like SUCH a failure.  And I whispered to you, "I'm sorry about all this.  I can't wait until you get bigger."

And, you did get bigger.
You grew and grew and grew.

You learned.  You walked and talked and did all of the things I was longing for when you were that tiny baby in my arms.

Photo credit: Rosser Photography

It all happened SO fast.
And today - you are four.

I love that you're growing.  Watching you grow is one of the great privileges of my life.  And, I love that we've gotten to grow together.  I got to grow from a sort of selfish woman who didn't really have any idea what it was like to take care of anyone else into someone else entirely.

Your mom.

Photo credit: Rosser Photography

So, thanks buddy.  Thanks for letting me watch you grow.  Thanks for teaching me in your little way to be the woman that I am today.

I know you're excited by how big you're getting and how much you're learning.  You tell us every day about the new "big boy" things you can do.  And truthfully, it breaks my heart a little bit.

Buddy, I have to tell you, it's not so scary for me that you're little anymore.  It's actually much scarier how fast the time is going.  So...if it isn't too much to ask - slow it down just a bit.

Because as it turns out, I can wait for you to be bigger.

Love,
Mommy

From this year's photo shoot with Rosser Photography.
Stephanie, I am forever indebted to you for these priceless and beautiful memories.

Well, I guess this is growing up...

Before I get started with today's post - I'm excited to announce the winners of our Kindred Photo App giveaway.  Without further ado, they are:

1.  Amanda B.
2.  Adriane
3.  Dawn

Congratulations!  You can claim your prize by sending your email address to newmomontheblog@gmail.com.   (You'll need to use the same email address when you register your account on the app!)

Okay...now, back to the blog.

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As mentioned previously, today is my 30th birthday.
There are a lot of things I hoped to do before I turned 30.

I wanted to have a Master’s degree in a related field AND be working in that field.  I wanted to travel a lot more than I did.  I was hoping to be closer to free from my student debt (which I realize is kind of at odds with the first item on this list).  I wanted to be done having children by the time I turned 30.

I haven’t accomplished any of those things, in case you are wondering.

Instead, life happened and while I can truthfully say I’m very happy at the place I am in my life, it is the human condition to want that which we do not have.  So, on the days leading up to today, my 30th birthday, I can’t say I was sad about ticking off the next decade in my life (I not only believe it is a great, great privilege to grow older, I’ve also never in my life considered 30 to be an old age).  However, I must admit, I was a little bummed about the list of things I didn’t accomplish by now.

But, then I looked back at who I was when I celebrated my entrance into my 20s. Back then, I was a person who, if I remember correctly, marked the occasion in a frat house by consuming way too much cinnamon flavored liqueur and then spending the rest of the decade avoiding the stuff like the plague.

I’ve come a long way.

And I don’t just mean that I eventually learned my drinking limits.  I mean that in looking back over the years, my entire life as I know it was shaped in this decade.

I learned a lot - from school, from therapy, from the people I surrounded myself with.  I completed college and started my career.  (If you can believe it - I started my 20s without even knowing what Facebook was.)  It was in my 20s that I made one of the defining moments of my life to pick up my life at one college and start it back in St. Louis at another.  I went on a lot of dates.  And eventually all of those dates introduced me to the man who would become by husband.  I discovered many of my views about how the world works.  I found a deeper connection with my own faith and views of the world and when it that has been shaken and disputed - I've found that it really and truly is what I value, not just what I was indoctrinated to believe.  And, I figured out that it really doesn’t matter to me if someone values something else - that we can still probably be really good friends.  I got married.  (Something that I wasn’t totally sure was ever going to happen to me when I was in my early 20s.)  I gave birth.  (Something that I wasn’t even sure I wanted to happen in my early 20s.)  I picked up my life (again) and moved it to another city where I knew basically nothing and no one.  I met people and lost them in this decade.  

So, as I blow out 30 candles on this birthday cake of mine (and try not to set off the smoke alarm), I’m filled with hope.  Hope that I will be so lucky to have another decade filled with as many realizations of dreams; as many discoveries of truth; as many life affirmations; as many defining moments. 

This decade was pretty incredible.  So.  You better bring it, next decade.  I’m ready for you. 

Only for now...

Dear TIH,

I'm putting you to bed tonight the same way I always have since the first night you came home with us. Last year at this time, I was sure that it would only be a matter of months before our bedtime routine would change.  I figured that once you got used to the fact that you didn't physically need me to be there with you for you to go to bed, that you'd be falling asleep on your own in no time at all.

I was wrong.
Here we are, on the night before you turn two, and I'm rocking you to sleep just like I have for the last 731 days.  It's a little different now, sure.  And now, we have the luxury of daddy stepping in to take my place every once in awhile.  But, for the most part, I haven't missed more than a handful of bedtimes in the past two years.

But, can I make a confession?

I'm okay with that.

I know I shouldn't let you drink a cup of milk until you fall asleep.  I know I shouldn't respond to your pleas for "One more!" reading of Goodnight, Moon.  I know I should encourage independent sleep behavior and that I should set you down in your crib before you're even all the way asleep.  Shoot, I probably should have plans in place to upgrade you to a toddler bed by now.

But, I do, and I will, and I don't, and I haven't.

And, I'm okay with that.

You see, I know I won't be able to do this forever.
At some point, both of us are not going to fit into this rocking chair.  (In fact, sometimes I wonder if this is already happening.)  At some point, you won't even really like for me to hold you. (Sometimes I wonder if this is happening already too.)

Eventually, you'll be too heavy for my arms to hold comfortably.  Eventually, the thought of having a cup of milk to go to sleep might even be kind of gross to you.

With every moment that passes, we're getting closer to the ones where you really won't need me to do as many things for you anymore.  So, tonight I'm rocking you to sleep.

I won't be able to rock you forever.
So, on the eve of your second birthday, I'm just happy that I still can.

Love you,
Mommy